GOSSIP GIRL WITH AN ENGLISH LIT DEGREE

It struck me tonight while watching yesterday's GOSSIP GIRL rerun that GOSSIP GIRL is pretty much a trashy, flashy version of one of my favorite movies, METROPOLITAN. Both chronicle the romantic adventures of a group of upper class Upper Eastsiders, but METROPOLITAN is dry, witty, and rather wonderful -- like conversation sparked by a really good bottle of champagne. GOSSIP GIRL is loud, garish, and also wonderful in the fastness of its plotting and the gorgeousness of its characters -- METROPOLITAN barely has a plot to speak of and most of the cast look like real people, unlike the freakishly attractive cast of GOSSIP GIRL. GOSSIP GIRL is like binging on a box of Lady Godiva chocolate washed down with some tacky, colorful cocktail that has an umbrella in it. It may be good in the short run, but it is the champagne-inspired times that really linger in your memory. (Quick! Someone stop my metaphor!)

You know you love me.
xoxo

THE HAPPY BLOG!

I was pleased as punch to see Brandon Beemer on THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL interacting with Felicia, but today I was over the moon to see him rub up next to crazy Pam! Pam is just fabulous -- she's like one of the old ladies from GREY GARDENS has escaped and somehow wound up working for Forrester. I will happily eat your lemon bars, Pam!

Another enjoyably crazy old lady on soaps is Addie on ONE LIFE TO LIVE. I know it can't last because Tuc Watkins is leaving (again) but I dig Addie and David together. They have no illusions about each other and Addie is sweetly implacable in the face of Dorian's wrath. David's quoting of LIAISIONS DANGEREUSES and MEDEA at Dorian were very funny and quite apropos. I will happily trade literary barbs with you, David!

DAYS OF OUR LIVES smoked up my living room with John and Ava's lovemaking. Good lord, why on earth is Tamara Braun leaving this show when they are obviously going out of their way to keep her interested with quality material? Her and Drake Hogestyn are smoking! Drake continues to make me love "bad" John Black: "Let's have caviar and champagne! We can clean up the blood later!" was delivered with a wicked, infectious grin. It was also hot that after sex, Ava was wearing John's bathrobe! I too will happily trade black silk bathrobes with you, John Black!
As for the rest of the show....Chelsea's hair continues to look fierce. I hope Chelsea finds out about her Granma (!) and Dr. Daniel soon because it's fun to see her go off on a tear. I will happily go to the hair stylist with you, Chelsea!

GUIDING LIGHT still looks and sounds like it is shot on Ellen Wheeler's Cameraphone (TM) but the storytelling is revving up and there are some really good performances. Daniel Cosgrove is doing a great job of underplaying his melodramatic storyline and we're seeing more and more of Reva and some of the other veterans (like that great scene today between Vanessa and Mel.) As long as Port Charles is overrun with Zaccharahs, I will happily be taking the PATH train to Peapack!

COCKBLOCKING IS BETTER THAN CROTCH SCRATCHING

Thursday's episode of AS THE WORLD TURNS was surprisingly credible, even though my brain will not stop saying WHY ARE NUKE NOT HAVING SEX??!! I think it helped things to have Luke and Noah actually talk about it instead of dodging the issue. Van and Jake worked hard to sell it. Hopefully when they DO have sex it'll be romantic and special, and not the trauma-induced grief sex Noah fears it will be.

On NIGHT SHIFT our new gay character Dr Kyle Julian was introduced explaining to instant BFF Dr. Claire that he hasn't scratched his crotch once all day! And she couldn't figure out from that he's gay?!? I admit that I am so hungry for gay representation on soaps that I will watch NIGHT SHIFT every week, even though Dr Kyle looks like he's going to be celibate -- see SOAP OPERA DIGEST 8/5/08 p.62 "...dealing with his nonexistent love life..." Man, I thought the sexless gay best friend was out of fashion, with the recentish end of WILL AND GRACE being the final nail in that particular coffin. Oh, and NS without Stone Cold, Spinelli and Maxie is not enough to keep the Semi-Employed Boyfriend rooted to the couch. I think he lasted 25 minutes and came back on my insistence to see Dr Kyle come out. Lesson to be learned here? Don't downplay the regulars in favor of newbies unless the newbies are damn interesting.

I much prefer GENERAL HOSPITAL's previous spin-off, PORT CHARLES. In fact watching an episode today featuring Kent Masters King as sexy werewolf Imani, I was reminded how one of the pleasures of the first season of NS was seeing a greater role for King's GH character, Lainey. The stuff with her dying dad and her unusual realtionship with psycho vet Cody really gave Kent strong material that she has never got on GH. Wouldn't NS be more fun if it took minor GH characters and fleshed them out? Doesn't every GH viewer want to see more Diane, Max or Milo? NS could also have taken GH characters like Monica and Bobbie who don't have storyline on GH and given them something to do at night -- they could do anything since they have no daytime continuity to conflict with! Instead of bringing back Robert and Jagger, why not work with what you already have?

LUCINDA LEADS THE ANTI-COCKBLOCKING BRIGADE!

Was ANYTHING as good today as AS THE WORLD TURNS? When Lucinda screamed at Emma "...you who don't allow the boys to cohabit in this silly farm!..." the Semi-Employed Boyfriend and myself pretty much fell off the couch, jaws agape. That was the highlight for me of an outstanding episode. Everyone was GREAT today. I finally feel the writers are writing to Noelle Beck's strengths. She is so hard and tough I fully believe Lily would try to kill Carly! While no one can replace Martha Byrne, Noelle Beck's Lily is shaping up to be a force to be reckoned with.

I also saw the first half of THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS before reporting to my whopping two hour work shift. It was very dull. I think Y&R need to take a page out of today's ATWT and realize that nothing is more entertaining than two grande dames yelling at each other and given full reign. Let's have more Jill and Kay and less Adam and Heather!

I DVRed NIGHT SHIFT but couldn't be bothered to watch it because I honestly didn't think any other soap could measure up to the fabulous theatricality of ATWT today. In NIGHT SHIFT's favor, I'm looking forward to possible gay doc, Billy Dee Williams, and Sonya Eddy. In NS' debit column is the fact that only Patrick, Robin, and Epiphany are spinning off from GH (No Spinelli? Maxie?? Stone Cold???), the stand alone episodes (how will it distinguish itself from real hospital dramas like GREY'S ANATOMY?) and the heavy focus on Jagger, a character I have no knowledge of. Time will tell, I suppose.

THE END OF COCKBLOCKING?

Finally caught up tonight with Friday's episode of AS THE WORLD TURNS and was thrillled to see that next week Luke will actually attempt to have sex with Noah. Also loved the scene with Janet and Nuke -- I'm starting to think Julie Pinson is the best thing to hit Oakdale this year. For those who wish to keep score of the cockblocking, this episode cocks were blocked by a) Granma Emma's house "rules" and b) OMG! Mom's in the hospital! I think b) is a perfectly valid reason for sex not happening, but the continued adherence to a) is just daft -- even Janet pointed out that rules are meant to be broken!

COCKBLOCKER BLUES

AS THE WORLD TURNS was unbelievable today in regard to Luke and Noah's sex life (or lack thereof.) I can't believe these two would be willing to wait to have sex for the most flimsy of reasons -- they are living in the house of Luke's aunt, and she doesn't want hot, nasty gay teenage sex under her roof. Umm...don't they realize Emma is away? Jack and Janet did! And to overshare for a moment from my relevant experience -- during my college years my boyfriend and I let NOTHING stand in the way of having sex. We pushed dorm beds together. Oblivious straight dormmates of ours would knock on our door and we would lie there, giggling, pretending not to be there while we were really in bed together! It is just not realistic that Luke and Noah could be a couple for 3/4 of a year and not have had sex already!!!! Van Hansis has been very good at showing desire for Noah even with no dialogue. Let's see that desire fulfilled!

Rant over.

I only managed to put up with THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL for its first segment today, as Friday's promising cliffhanger was dully resolved. Nope, Katie's not stopping the wedding. She's just not reading the written vows and is improvising instead. Ah well at least Brandon Beemer is interacting with Felicia. I am feeling the chemistry!

I am finding it hard to fully concentrate on DAYS OF OUR LIVES lately. I liked the food fight between Nicole, Sami and Chloe. I like the streaks in Chelsea's hair. Ummmm....maybe I just need some more John Black and some kind of story for Nick, who is too cute to be relegated to friend-on-the-sideline status. I also don't want Nicole's alcoholism to be cured. I like Nicole drunk and crazy and quipping. And I'm not feeling any Doctor Daniel/Chelsea love. He is too old for her -- remember, he has now been established as having slept with her GRANDMOTHER! Maybe he should sleep with Chelsea's paternal granma too, and give Caroline some action now that Victor's bedridden!

GENERAL HOSPITAL and GUIDING LIGHT both had good stuff in them today, but were also plagued by recurring problems. Yep, there was more zaccharahing in GH. You can tell something is wrong when I have Maxie and Spinelli and I still change the channel!

GUIDING LIGHT had some terrific scenes with Reva, Josh and Jeffrey. I loved how Reva told Jeffrey immediately about kissing Josh. They are such a strong couple, even though Jeffrey must know Reva will always consider Josh the love of her life. On the down side, there were awful scenes concerning Ava and Bill. That bit with the pizza where Remy knows what Ava orders and Bill doesn't so Remy is the one for her -- give me a break! Pepperoni is so much better than a veggie special! I ate 4 slices of pepperoni pizza today! Bill, I will be happy to eat pizza with you anytime.

Tonight I actually left the house to see a revival screening of XANADU, which sadly does not live up to its reputation as a camp classic. What was really fun were the trailers shown to accompany the film, organized thematically to fit the movie. In the trailer for the 2000 film CENTER STAGE I saw Elizabeth Hubbard! I elbowed the Semi-Employed Boyfriend and freaked out! I've since looked our Lucinda Walsh up on IMDB and am thrilled to see that she's had a bit of a film career. I've seen her in I NEVER SANG FOR MY FATHER but I can't remember her in ORDINARY PEOPLE. She's also been in an episode of LAW & ORDER that I'm dying to see! Elizabeth Hubbard film festival, anyone?

I AM PORT CHARLES

Like the late, lamented GENERAL HOSPITAL spin-off, I too am only on once a week. No, not on Soapnet, but at the flower shop where I am now working one shift a week! That's OK with me, though, because I prefer to get my daily dose of drama from TV soaps and not from my workplace. Stay tuned as I send out resumes and catch up on my soap viewing...

THE PEAPACK REDEMPTION

From out of the depths of my DVR came Beth Ehlers' final episode of GUIDING LIGHT, wherein Harley makes her escape from the prison of Cameraphoned (TM) Springfield once and for all. We only watched the first segment before going to see WALL-E, but we were struck by two things.
1) G is incredibly annoying. He walks around like he's a huge piece of hotness when he is really a detestable little turd.
2) Cassie is an awful human being. Really, Cassie, what is the point of adding to Harley's troubles just so you can score against Cyrus? I wish Cassie would kill G and then get the electric chair, so GL could be rid of two characters who I defy anyone in the audience to care about.

I caught a little bit of MVP on Soapnet today as well. Devoid of context, it looks like a cheap-ass syndicated show that would air on MyNetwork TV. Placed in the context of oddly positive US press (SOAP OPERA DIGEST and THE NEW YORKER ((!!!)) both raved about it!) and ratings failure in MVP's home country of Canada (cancelled after ten episodes!), MVP is nothing but a curiousity, a third rate FOOTBALLERS WIVES that the American press is being inexplicably kind to. It doesn't really matter what I or anyone else thinks of MVP; it has already been terminated and arrives on Soapnet's shores dead in the water.

I also caught a little bit of THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS' Wednesday episode on Soapnet. I think Michael Graziadel was wearing red silk boxers before he made love to Amber. OH my. On a less salacious note, I am finding Elizabeth Hendrickson's Chloe to be just the thing to shake up Y&R's snoozy couples. Loved the scene where she explained that she can't take a booty call because she's preggers with Cane's baby -- it speaks volumes about Chloe's lifestyle and how it's now going to have to change. I was pleased as punch to see in last week's SOD that Elizabeth has "...recently inked a multiyear contract." She's too much fun to just be a recurring character.

THE DRAMA'S ALWAYS ON

...at my new job, if not on CBS Daytime. Will my soaps bring blessed relief from work stress?

I am completely fascinated by GUIDING LIGHT's Rob Bogue and Mandy Bruno. I watch their scenes as Mallet and Marina together, mumbling to myself "I can't believe they're an off-screen couple" and then seeing the evidence of their relationship play out before my eyes. The scene between them today as they discussed having a family of their own someday really had an extra resonance being played out by a real couple who, according to last week's SOAP OPERA DIGEST, "...have even talked about starting a family of their own." Plus, how nice is it to see a GL couple who are not boring and/or irritating? Bill/Lizzie and Reva/Jeffrey are the only other pairings exempt from the curse of Ellen Wheeler's Cameraphone (TM).

While I was watching GL, The Unemployed Boyfriend wandered by and asked why I wasn't looking at Spinelli. Ah, that is because when I turned on GENERAL HOSPITAL, all I saw were the Zaccharahs zaccharahing at each other. By 'zaccharahing' I refer to any scene where Trevor, Claudia and Anthony are all present, snarling and threatening meaninglessly. It's enough to send anyone to Peapack for the hour!

I watched some of THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS on Soapnet tonight, and was pleased to see Michael Grazadiel back from his break. I was even more pleased to see him with his shirt off. Even the tattoo on his back is hot! Unfortunately, cold water was dumped on my fiery ardor when the endless scenes of RESTLESS STYLE staff meetings were trotted out. Ya know, I had a stressful day at work and the last thing I want to see is other people's stressful day at work when I get home. I may not work for a glossy magazine but whether it's retail or an office, work is work. I've never seen UGLY BETTY but I have an ugly feeling that someone on the Y&R writing staff said "Hey, that's a popular show and it's about a fashion mag! If we turn Y&R into a show about a fashion mag viewers and advertising revenue will be ours!" Maybe the Y&R staff should have an actual meeting about their show instead of endless meetings IN their show!

"That's soooooo our song now."

I tell ya, if AS THE WORLD TURNS had ended the final Nuke scene today with a reprise of "True Colors" there wouldn't have been a dry eye in the house. Instead, there was a huge sigh of relief that Noah did not join the army. The last three episodes of ATWT have been spectacular for Nuke fans. Thursday's Cyndi Lauper-fest was fantastic. Kudos to Van Hansis for his acting all around but especially for his emoting while Cyndi sang. I'm going to chalk that up to Van's theatre experience, where he has to be seen in character even when he has no dialogue because he's on stage. Plus we got two (!) Nuke kisses! Friday's scenes of Holden and Luke just talking were unexpected and welcome. I have also enjoyed Jack getting his freak on with Janet, who is so much more fun than Carly. And I am surprised how much I've been rooting for Paul and Meg -- I really want them to be happy! ATWT isn't perfect -- Carly/Holden continued to be a dud and what was up with that poorly realized Hugh Grant wannabe today? -- but there is so much going on that is good I easily overlook the bad. Plus, this show knows how to use the long-term cast members. Barbara, Lisa, the Hughes and the Stewarts have all been getting juicy scenes. Now if Jean Passanante and Chris Goutman can give Elizabeth Hubbard something to do I'd be over the moon!

I wish I could be as positive about ATWT's lead-in, THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL. Katie and Bridget both being in love with Nick fails to convince. Even worse, I read in this week's SOAP OPERA DIGEST that B&B is being "revamped...in the name of appealing to a younger audience..." which I guess accounts for the plethora of establishing location shots today. Hey, Bell family -- you want to appeal to a younger audience? Stop the Nick/Bridget/Katie story NOW and concentrate on the fun characters -- Stephanie, Pam, Felicia! How about pairing all three of these mature ladies with Owen, who looks like he'd be all too happy to fleece a bunch of rich Forrester women? If you're going to introduce new, younger characters, pair them with veterans to keep the show recognizable, instead of pushing all your newbies to the forefront of the show.

Which is what I fear ALL MY CHILDREN is doing. I'm still seeing drunk NuColby, Dre and Cassandra. What I'm not seeing is any reason to care for them. (Though I care slightly for Cassandra, since I don't want her parents, Jesse and Angie, to be worried about her. Remember, when Darnell Williams cries, the world cries with him.) I am concerned about another upcoming newbie, a recast and maybe SORASed Petey Cortlandt. SOD mentions that Colby will not be glad to see him. Ummmm....why? WARNING: artificial backstory alert! If this turns out to be the summer of NuColby, Dre, Frankie, Cassandra, NuPetey and Randi I might just stick to CBS the hour of 12PM - 1PM.

This summer, I don't think I'll be switching off ONE LIFE TO LIVE. The show continues to be insanely exciting. Nora denouncing Lindsay had an unexpected payoff. Lindsay seemed sympathetic, while Nora became an unlikable, vengeful harpy in the eyes of her boyfriend, ex-husband and son. What an intriguing way to wrap up this story. I am also loving the twists and turns with Starr's baby, even though The Unemployed Boyfriend found it unconvincing that Cole would go to Todd, The Face Of Evil, for help. I think it's perfectly in character for Cole, who I think of as a total dipshit for not wearing a condom in the first place!!!

I still check into DAYS OF OUR LIVES as well. James Scott can have sex with me in the elevators of my broken down apartment building anytime, and not just because he looks good with his shirt off. Unlike Neil on ATWT today, EJ is totally believable as someone raised in the UK. Notice the way he pronounces garage and, again, I will point out the scene where EJ eats fish'n'chips the authentic way with salt and vinegar. I have been to the UK 5 times and, overall, the guys there are hot metrosexuals like EJ and not poncey weeds like the stereotype on today's ATWT. So hooray for James Scott and whoever steers EJ away from cultural stereotyping!

GENERAL HOSPITAL amused the hell out of me with the elaborate shenanigans that resulted in photos of Jax and Kate being taken that look like she's giving him a hummer! How on earth is GH going to refer to this storyline in the show? Can you even say "blowjob" on daytime TV? In a more serious storyline, The Unemployed Boyfriend and I were glued to our seats waiting for Lulu to kill Logan, who deserves death for hurting Maxie. Nor have I forgotten the episode where he beat up Spinelli and referred to him as a "little bitch." No, Logan, it is karma that is a bitch and right now that bitch is biting you in the ass.
Speaking of bitches, shouldn't Livia Soprano have popped up in today's episode to snark "Poor you!" at Claudia Zaccarah? God, what a whinger.

Despite poor directing, I was amused to see Reva's (apparently low, low, low budget) movie on GUIDING LIGHT with the changed ending so Josh chooses Reva over Cassie. I chortled at the lookalike playing Cassie in the movie, too. I still feel sorry for Caitlin Van Zandt as she is forced to enact idiotic stories for her character. Caitlin, please contact HBO. They had a hit with JOHN ADAMS and a GEORGE WASHINGTON miniseries must be in the works. You will be perfect as George's epileptic stepdaughter, Patsy. I do not mean that in a pejorative way. You are a real talent and you are wasted on Ellen Wheeler's Cameraphone (TM) when you should be seen in High Definition. Get out of Peapack, Caitlin!

ALL MY CHILDREN, ALL DAY LONG

Oddly, my day was structured so I wound up seeing the first half of AMC before going to work and the second half was on Soapnet when I came back from work. This had the odd effect of making it seem like my shift was some kind of hallucination taking place between commercials; a bad trip that lasted 8 hours. How does AMC hold up to such fragmentation? Well, Carmen's interplay with Adam was fun and Jesse is the man, even in a story as shrugworthy as Richie/Annie. (With Annie killing Richie, that's one down and hopefully one more to go...) On the negative side, the scenes with Cassie and Dre dealing with a drunken NuColby were awful, like scenes put on by your talentless classmates in undergrad drama class. I think Cassie is a bit better than the other newbies. If the writers are smart they'd give her more to do with momma Angie since Debbi Morgan always brings the best out in her fellow performers.

I saw the first segment of THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL as well and Brandon Beemer is back in the soap world, gorgeous as ever. Plus he already has his face and name in the opening credits -- way to go, Brandon, or more likely, Brandon's agent! Despite my initial hopes I am not getting a gay vibe from Brandon's character Owen, more like a skeezy (but hot) straight guy vibe. Still, that's good because it means women in THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL will now have someone to lust after who isn't a) vaguely related to them or b) Jack Wagner.

Saw the merest fragment of the opening to ONE LIFE TO LIVE, but I saw just enough to get excited at the prospect of McBain and Blair as a couple. Hmmmm...are we in for a couple switcheroo with John/Blair/Todd/Marty all switching partners? To go off on a tangent, I have to say again how perfect Susan Haskell would have been as Martha Byrne's replacement as Lily on AS THE WORLD TURNS. Watching Noelle Beck as Lily, you never believe this woman to be vulnerable. She looks hard as nails; if she can't get Holden, you bet she wouldn't give a fig! Susan Haskell is wonderfully fragile but still possessed of an approachability that I don't feel with Noelle Beck. Time to put on my Pollyanna cap now: if Susan was able to be lured back to OLTL after her character was poorly recast, surely the same can apply to Martha Byrne.

NO NUKE FOR ME

This picture of Van Hansis is the closest I'm gonna get to seeing Luke Snyder since I am now semi-employed and it sure is wrecking havoc with my soap viewing! 4 episodes of ATWT languish in my DVR. Beth Ehlers' last GUIDING LIGHT is also there, unwatched and unloved. I did manage to see the last bit of DAYS OF OUR LIVES today. While I am happy to see Chelsea's hair back to its normal fierce cut, her romance with the older Dr. Daniel is icky. I dig Dr.Daniel, but just not with Chelsea...plus, I think the writers have underestimated the viewers, who prefer Chelsea with Nick.

There were many charming Maxie/Spinelli scenes on GENERAL HOSPITAL today. I appreciated Maxie bringing Spinelli flowers, since I now work in a flower shop. It was like GH was acknowledging my new job! I enjoyed the notion of Leyla as Spinelli's new confidante. It would be fun to see her actually date him, as a way to give Spinelli the confidence to really go after Maxie.

I do find myself switching the channel over to GL, however, whenever Claudia or another Zaccharah besides Johnny makes an appearance. I just feel the fun being sucked out of the screen. While Sarah Brown is a good actress, Claudia doesn't work with any character -- except Spinelli, who disarms her creepiness with goofiness. I think the plan for Claudia was to pair her up with Sonny and when that didn't really take off (despite shoe fetish sex) the writers were at a loss as to what to do with her. Therefore, this sudden one-sided relationship with Stone Cold. I don't think there's room for another scheming woman in Port Charles; we already have Carly, Sam and Maxie. I dunno -- maybe Claudia can start a fashion mag for mob women called CEMENT SHOES.

So I switched over to GL to escape the Zaccarah woman and found myself watching the ridiculous scene where Lizzie slipped into Bill and Ava's wedding while crouching down behind other people entering, even though she was in full sight of the security guard. I am also annoyed at how GL continually refers to Jonathan and baby Sarah; all that does is remind me of how good the show used to be. Ellen Wheeler is probably hoping if she mentions Jonathan enough, Tom Pelphrey will come back. Don't hold your breath, Cameraphone (TM) girl!