THE ANONYMOUS COMMENT

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "CHAMPAGNE TASTE":

I think the Zach and Reese kiss is worse than Maddie and Noah. It's
pretty obvious Noah is not interested in Maddie and Luke was just
overreacting. The same can't be said for Reese and her feelings for
Zach. I think having people in gay couples worry about their partners
sexual identity is a poor and overused source of conflict. Particularly
when it is not obvious that they don't have a reason to be worried.

End of comment

Thank you Anonymous! I wanted to publish your comment but somehow the formatting of the email caused it to be rejected. Just to let you know I think your comment is very insightful and I agree!

CHAMPAGNE TASTE

Watched some of DAYS OF OUR LIVES with breakfast and I am loving Chelsea.  My adoration of Chelsea stands in direct proportion to my hatred of Melanie, a character who possesses no redeeming values whatsoever -- and I don't mean that in a GOSSIP GIRL so-bad-they're-good way, I mean that in a Good-Lord-They're-Keeping-Her-And-Firing-John-And-Marlena??!! way.

Saw the end of ALL MY CHILDREN and found the kiss between Zach and Reese to be puzzlingly staged.  It is meant to be friendly and platonic, but the way Zach kisses Reese is definitely romantic.  Between this and Luke's jealousy of Noah and Maddie on AS THE WORLD TURNS, I am weary of gay love thwarted by semi-heterosexual overtones between friends.

I almost got sucked into today's episode of ONE LIFE TO LIVE, because Marty's plan of revenge against Todd is an irresistible story.  However, the notion of actually having to watch a band named Puddle Of Mudd that da kidz are down wiv filled me with fear and dread, so I switched off.  Am I the only one who remembers Information Society appearing on OLTL in the eighties ?  Erika Slezak was the consummate pro, smiling and applauding this long forgotten band even though I could tell she knew their fame wasn't even gonna last until the next commercial break.

The household's main viewing tonight was the sparkling Blu-Ray disc of the campy yet strangely entertaining 1966 BATMAN movie.  I didn't think this title had any soap connections but I was proven wrong as Lee Meriwether plays Catwoman...decades before she joined the cast of ALL MY CHILDREN as Ruth Martin!  It is going to be surreal when Ruth next makes an appearance in Pine Valley!  (P.S. RIP Eartha Kitt, who  essayed the role of Catwoman in the BATMAN TV series.  I'm trying to work a THANKS FOR EVERYTHING, JULIE NEWMAR joke in here but it's late and I feel a cold coming on.)

IN DREAMS I WALK WITH YOU

My night's viewing was capped off with a re-watching of BLUE VELVET, which I haven't seen in at least 12 years.  My head is still spinning.  This film has lost none of its fascination and power to disturb, no matter how many times you've seen it.

After BLUE VELVET, director David Lynch collaborated with Mark Frost on the unique soap TWIN PEAKS.  What is striking is that TWIN PEAKS is very much about a place and a mood, in a way American soaps are not.  What can we say about Pine Valley or Salem except that they're a backdrop for plots and characters?  I would like to see one soap take on the challenge of creating a world that you want to visit, regardless of which characters inhabit it.  To some extent British soaps like CORONATION STREET and EASTENDERS have created their own hyper-realities, which are the main draw of the shows with their sense of community and vibrant working class life.  If American soaps were to have a stronger sense of setting, it could result in higher ratings as viewers will tune into a show not because of the characters and plot but because they just like to visit Oakdale or Genoa City.

Oh good grief. I hope this wasn't what Ellen Wheeler was trying to get at when she had those awful ads for GUIDING LIGHT extolling the virtues of Springfield via CameraPhone. (TM)  you know, the ones at the beginning of the year that were all like "High School graduation!  Your first car!  Mom's apple pie!  SPRINGFIELD!!!!!"  Maybe if Ellen Wheeler's Springfield had a dark, twisted side to it like Lynch's Lumberton, I'd actually watch the show.

NOT NOW, CASSIE

I was surprised to see GUIDING LIGHT'S last Cassie, Nicole Forester, on this morning's BEVERLY HILLS 90210 rerun.  I didn't think she had ever done a soap before GL.  Unfortunately, my first impulse at the sight of Ms. Forester is to scream "Not now, Cassie!" at the TV -- my Pavlovian response to the ever annoying Cassie, a character so irritating you just wished Reva would smack her one.  Not Ms. Forester's fault, though; her portrayal was good, particularly in the aftermath of Tammy's death.

Speaking of recasts gone wrong  -- caught up with last Tuesday's episode of AS THE WORLD TURNS, which was a real showcase for the new Maddie, Kelly Barrett.  Sadly, unlike the fantastic Billy Magnusson, Ms. Barrett is unable to connect with material that was enacted by her predecessor.  Just think how moving her reunions with Noah and Casey would be if Maddie was still played by Alexandra Chando.  Kelly Barrett just does not possess the sparky vulnerabilty that Alexandra Chando had, that made Maddie a real heroine.  I'm all for giving Noah a friend (that boy has nobody to talk to!) but so far NuMadddie is just not convincing.  Besides the recast, NuMaddie is also written as sexually aggressive -- something the sexually abused old Maddie would never be.  I think it's time for the ATWT writers to either cut this character loose, or make Alex Chando a deal.

STATING THE OBVIOUS

It is utterly absurd that 90210 once thought Tori Spelling was the ideal choice for a continuing story about drug addiction.  I defy anyone to watch Donna descend into prescription painkiller dependence without giggling.

Speaking of inappropriate laughter, we found ourselves chuckling at Katherine slipping on the ice in YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS.  Jeanne Cooper is a real trooper -- she's a gazillion years old and is still as game for anything as when she starred in Roger Corman cheapies in the '50s and '60s.  I am loving whoever it was that decided to show the 1989 episode of Y&R on Christmas Day.  It was nostalgic and campy, yet also narratively compelling.  Plus, there was a funny meta-joke that had Marge sitting down to watch THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL!  Please, SoapNet, how about a few vintage Y&R episodes to replace the Sunday Night Movie?  (I do not dare to suggest SoapNet air something in place of 90210 reruns.  The very thought of that causes heads to explode around the SoapNet offices.)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I felt a little like saying "Bah humbug!" hearing Jana blather on about V8 on THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS and I still just can't find myself caring about Devon, Ana, or Ana's mom.  Yet the good gradually pushed out the bad on Y&R, with the Victor flashbacks and Kay regaining her memory being particularly jolting.

THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL was also very good, with Bradley Bell's holiday wishes at the end of the show seeming rightfully earned.  This is a producer who knows when his show is working and when it isn't.  Right now it is working very well.  The sentimentality of the holidays must be getting to me because I didn't even mind Granpa Jack Wagner proposing to his child bride!  Oh wait...

I saw a bit of today's ALL MY CHILDREN rerun.  Not really feeling the tornado drama, unfortunately, since another tornado episode is being rerun Christmas Day.  Still, nice that they brought back Bianca, and I really don't mind that they retconned the story so Zach is the father of her baby.

I saw some of DOOL, OLTL's rerun and the last half of GH's Christmas episode, but you know what?  It's Christmas and I've got some words of cheer.  Last year I was completely unemployed and at a real low.  This year my life has turned around.  I have a great job, a great boyfriend (who has a great new job) and an adorable cat.  I have fabulous friends all over the world!  I have a Ghetto Fabulous Mom who I have to thank for introducing me to soaps at a young age.  The nation as a whole is in state of optimism, and I like riding that wave for once.  I am so happy right now with my life, and I am glad that I've always had soaps for fun and escapism, through good times and bad.

So please,  have a Happy Holiday or at least go out and see a good movie.  And if you can't do that, check out the vintage Y&R episode on CBS and the GH Christmas episode mini-marathon on SoapNet!  I hope everyone's day is joyous and soapy.

FRUSTRATIONS

I was watching last Friday's DAYS OF OUR LIVES on SoapNet this morning and wondering just how long can Nicole possibly bar EJ from her bedroom to hide her fake pregnancy bump?  And doesn't that defeat her purpose since she is only pretending to be pregnant so she won't lose EJ?

I saw a little bit of GENERAL HOSPITAL.  I like Claudia with Ric, mainly because I dig Sarah Brown and Rick Hearst.  Yet there is really no good reason why Claudia isn't sleeping with the fishes as yet.  I know the show is playing on the tension between Claudia and Sonny, with the constant threat that Sonny will find her out and kill her, but since we know Sarah Brown is on contract we also know Claudia will not be shot full of lead.  Pity.

After a run of great episodes (remember, I am a week behind in my DVR catchup) AS THE WORLD TURNS stumbled with last Wednesday's episode.  The jury is out on the new actress playing Jade, but her introduction was horrendously clunky.  We are asked to suspend our disbelief twice in one scene, with the consequence that the whole story feels forced and artificial.  First, Derek recognizes Rose when he sees Lily, but Noelle Beck has never played Rose and is frankly unimaginable as a working class showgirl from New Jersey.  Second, when Lily pulls out the picture of Jade any viewer with a memory of the last 2 years will have to make the mental leap to accept the recast.  So Derek is recognizing a character who we can't visualize and then being shown a photo of another character we can't recognize.  It's like something out of SYNECDOCHE, NEW YORK!!  I could forgive all this if it meant Martha Byrne was going to return as Lily and expose Noelle Beck's Lily as really being Rose but that is only going to happen in my fevered imagination.  And I will miss the original Jade, Elena Goode, who had an easy rapport with Van Hansis.

SYMPATHY FOR THE BRIAN

Very, very impressed with last Tuesday's episode of AS THE WORLD TURNS.  Brian could have been demonized, but instead good writing and Laurence Lau's performance have resulted in an unusually sympathetic character.  His scenes with Van Hansis were superb and it was refreshing that they spoke openly about sex and attraction.  (I also appreciated the little touch of explaining why Lucinda, Brian and Luke were not at Jack and Janet's wedding.)  Compare the thoughtfulness of this story with the similar plot of Nora's husband on ONE LIFE TO LIVE a few years back, who went totally psycho to hide his homosexuality.  ATWT's portrayal of a sadly closeted man is much more nuanced and thus makes for a much more rewarding story.

The rest of the episode was great, too.  Maura West and Jon Lindstrom were clearly enjoying sparking off one another, Dani's exit was well handled (and her scenes with "Daddy" Craig amusingly blaaargh) and I loved Margo going all Jane Tennison on everyone's ass.  On the opposite end of the quality spectrum was the episode of 90210 I saw half of with breakfast before scuttling off to work.  Valerie's been raped, Donna's popping pills and important issues are being turned into problems-of-the-week that will be forgotten by the next episode.  At this stage of its run, 90210 is like a never ending Lifetime TV movie.

DEMONS, MOBSTERS AND HOT CRIMINALS SLEEPING WITH THEIR STEPDAUGHTERS

Watching 90210 this morning I found myself distracted by Emma Caulfield, later to join the cast of BUFFY as the demon Anya.  Her presence makes me think that at any moment the cast will be swallowed by a Hellmouth.  Now wouldn't that enliven the current 90210 reboot to no end?

I saw the end of GENERAL HOSPITAL and was pleased to see Robert Scorpio alive and well and reunited with his family.  The last 2 episodes of NIGHT SHIFT are residing in the bowels of my DVR so the last I saw Robert things were looking pretty bleak.  Another pleasing aspect of GH today was the killing of Sasha because that means we are hopefully seeing the end of the tiresome Russian Mob storyline.

We are still waaaaaay behind in our AS THE WORLD TURNS viewing.  We watched 2 episodes tonight and have got 4 more to watch this weekend!  Finally saw Jack and Janet's wedding and there was much blubbing in the house.  I was particularly impressed with the way Julie Pinson handled the scene where Janet calmly and directly tells Carly to step off, bitch.  In other areas of viewing pleasure, Julie Pinson's former PORT CHARLES squeeze, Jon Lindstrom (pictured) is a wonderfully snarky, sexy Craig.  No one can replace Scott Bryce but Jon is a more than adequate substitute.  Dare I hope the same for the upcoming triple threat of recasts of Maddie, Jade and Lucy?

SOME NICE THINGS SAID ABOUT THIS MORNING'S RANDOM 90210 RERUN

Wow, Hilary Swank can really act the hell out of any material, can't she?  I also enjoyed Brian Austin Green befriending and protecting the Gay Guy at work in his new car wash job. Which reads like bad fan fic when I read that sentence back to me.

PABLUM FOR BREAKFAST

The 90210 channel -- oh sorry, SOAPNET -- is my viewing of choice when I am eating breakfast before work and am not entirely awake.  Honestly, was BEVERLY HILLS 90210 ever really good, ever?!? Growing up roughly at the same time as the characters, I remember only watching it to make fun of it or to enjoy the hotness of the always underrated Brian Austin Green.  What is the nostalgic appeal of this show besides as something not too taxing on the brain to have on while eating Just Bunches?  Or is that its' entire appeal, as moving wallpaper?

OMFG BRIAN NO!!!

I hate to say it, but THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS storyline of Kay living Marge's life is just not going to work because Kay has amnesia. If you look at ONE LIFE TO LIVE approximately one year ago, Viki was living a new life as a waitress by choice and it was terrific seeing her life (and the show) expand because of the choices she made. Kay is not living Marge's life by choice but by circumstance. What we now have on Y&R is a situation with no characterization.

On THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL, we are now getting an unexpected, but welcome, bit of characterization with Bad Rick. I'm enjoying Bad Rick a great deal. You have to admire anyone who thinks they can seduce women while hobbling around on a cane. Otherwhere in the episode, Ridge eating sushi off of Brooke's body was more funny than sexy. It looked delicious but my brain kept on screaming "You need soy sauce and wasabi, people!" Would it have been too messy for Brooke to dribble packets of soy sauce on her arms and put some lumps of green wasabi in her belly button? Probably.

Speaking of messes -- HOLY SHIT is DAYS OF OUR LIVES on a kamikaze mission or what? By now the news of Deidre Hall and Drake Hogestyn being let go overshadows everything, but I was still indignant at today's episode. Is this the last we see of Nick?!? I hope not. Blake Berris did a fantastic acting job as Psycho Stalker Nick, but the change in character is unbelievable and the attempt to make Nick's accidental killing of Willow now semi-intentional is just risible. I will give DOOL kudos for the scene where Chelsea and Steph laid into Melanie for causing Nick to go off the deep end, because that is exactly how the audience feels! I don't think it was smart to introduce a new character, pair her off with an established fan favorite and then have him turn Psycho Stalker on her. Doesn't exactly make you like the newbie...

ONE LIFE TO LIVE is very compelling lately. I love the highly theatrical presentation of Jessica's three personalities. The cage with mirror shards representing her mind is simple and effective, and the large screens showing the outside world are also well-used. Hooray for good set decoration!

GENERAL HOSPITAL generally has good sets, but it was so boring today that I actually spent most of my 2-3PM soap viewing switched over to praqctically set-less GUIDING LIGHT. (!!!!) Here is GH today: mob war, mob war, blah, blah, Zaccarah, blah, Bensonhurst, blah, Claudia, yadda yadda. I do like Olivia a lot, but how much newly invented backstory for Sonny can they cram into his life before he came to Port Charles?

GUIDING LIGHT was a highly schizophrenic viewing experience. On one hand you've got Reva with leaukemia and a pregnancy, and it is a daring, original story. I tell ya, Kim Zimmer and Elizabeth Hubbard will be battling it out with duelling hospital bed scenes come Emmy time next year! On the other hand, soooo much of the show is now revolving around G/Grady/Gillespie, it's ludicrous. Kane Manera is a very limited actor, and he can not hit all the beats expected of him -- charming one moment, scary the next, a bit of both sometime. Plus, pair him with a good actress like Caitlin Van Zandt and his defects are all too apparent. Really, when it became clear that Cassie was not going to be part of the show for much longer, they should have had her kill Grady as revenge for Tammy's death. Then she could have gone on the run and two annoying residents of Springfield would be off our screens.

AS THE WORLD TURNS continued its upward swing today. (Have I mentioned that the show's been so good that I am finally caught up? Woohoo!) Laurence Lau excelled today in his scenes with Elizabeth Hubbard and Van Hansis. He was so good I almost started to think that Luke imagined the drunken kiss as well! I think Brian really does love Lucinda, but he can't help being attracted to Luke (can you really blame him?) and is going to repress that attraction at all costs...until it erupts again. Mistletoe at the Snyder farm in the Kitchen Of Lust, perhaps?

DISAPPOINTMENTS AND GLORIES

We are still incredibly behind in our AS THE WORLD TURNS viewing, with tonight's episode being from October 29!! It was a strong episode, but I was disappointed to see Alison become a victim of Evil Rapey Frat Boys. When they cornered her with evidence of her porn star past and demanded she strip, Alley Cat should have shown her claws, spit in their faces and FUCKED THEIR SHIT UP!!! Sorry, seeing strong women humiliated is not my idea of entertainment. Seeing strong women kick ass is! This storyline can still be redeemed if Alison gets some kind of revenge or justice.

One storyline that I fear can not be redeemed is the character assassination of Nick on DAYS OF OUR LIVES. Now he's a stalker? And if you read the spoilers in this week's SOAP OPERA DIGEST, a killer?? Usually when a dull character has run out of story, they turn psycho (recent examples being AMC's Annie and ATWT's Sofie.) However, Nick has loads of story potential including the possibility of a reunion with Chelsea. Why waste Blake Berris this way?

One actress not being wasted is Tamara Braun. (As seen up and to the left!) From out of the depths of my DVR came last Friday's AMC, in which Reese proposed to Bianca! It was wonderful and romantic, but somewhat bittersweet in the light of Prop 8 banning gay marriage being passed in California this week. It also sucks that GREY'S ANATOMY's Brooke Smith, who plays a lesbian, has been fired from that show. So bravo to AMC for showing two fabulous actresses playing two women who are in a committed relationship and love each other. Extra kudos for advertising Tamara Braun's return and the proposal so heavily and forthrightly -- no shame over lesbian content here, unlike in the production offices of GREY'S ANATOMY.

Another actress not being wasted is Jeanne Cooper, giving a real good show as Kay and Marge on THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS. I like the Paris remote, too, especially in HD. The only thing I take issue with is Noah describing Paris as "sick", meaning really, really cool. No teenager talks like that. The only other time I've heard "sick" as a positive term was in ONE LIFE TO LIVE, uttered by Marco. I think some soap writers' kids are taking the piss. How's that for authentic slang, soap writers?

THE ATWT CHALLENGE

So, here is our plan of attack to clear up our DVR before Darren starts his new full-time job on Monday. We will watch AS THE WORLD TURNS 2 episodes at a time, interspersed with the episodes of FRINGE that are also languishing in our DVR. The marathon has started tonight with the 10/16 episode of ATWT -- poor Janet! I would write more about ATWT but I've got too much to watch to spend time writing about it!

GOODBYE DYLAN BRUCE

My first episode to watch in my sizable AS THE WORLD TURNS backlog was the one from the 15th, which was Dylan Bruce's last episode. He seemed so sad throughout; it made for heartbreaking viewing. What are the producers thinking? Dylan is gorgeous, charismatic and can act. He has great rapport with Bob Hastings and Kathryn Hays. He is the first Chris Hughes I have seen that works for me. Chris is an integral part of Oakdale, and a Chris/Emily/Alison/Casey/Dani plot practically writes itself. If someone has to be let go to pay for Grayson McCouch's return, I think Agim Kaba would be a better choice. Aaron has become increasingly unlikable and strident, with few storyline prospects. While I have enjoyed Agim's performance in the past, especially his scenes with Van Hansis, the current writing team is not playing to his strengths. I think Chris Goutman and Jean Passanante have made a huge mistake in getting rid of Dylan Bruce and his character of Chris Hughes.

On a lighter note, GOSSIP GIRL was positively crackling tonight, which was a relief after last week's lumpy episode. I will even forgive the completely horrendous cover of The Smiths' HOW SOON IS NOW that played, as I hope its inclusion was a sign of Agnes' evil nature. Anyone who loves that version of a classic song is clearly a minion of Satan.

I saw some of GENERAL HOSPITAL tonight. Having not watched the show for a couple of weeks, I was struck by how the tone of the show is all over the place. The scenes I saw, one after the other, were:
1) Nadine and Nicolas engage in romantic comedy banter
2) Lulu nutty in a straitjacket
3) Laura and Scott rehashing their complicated backstory in a plane
4) Luke and Tracy shooting at people in Mexico
NONE of these story threads felt connected to the other. (And I haven't even mentioned everything going on with Patrick and Robin!) GH has ceased to be about anything. Compare this to the GH spinoff, NIGHT SHIFT, which works because it is entirely concentrated in the hospital, which allows the cast and plots to be tighter. The sprawling GH currently seems to be functioning on the principle of throwing everything at a wall and seeing what sticks.

BIANCA!

Today was the first full episode of ALL MY CHILDREN I've seen since Bink's return and I am just over the moon. I don't know how Eden Riegel does it, but she makes Bianca instantly likable, so likable that I could not switch over to THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL when 12:30 rolled around. It looks like things will get even better, with Tamara Braun joining the cast as Bianca's partner and the surprise return of David Hayward today! Thank you Head Writer Chuck Pratt!!!

I saw the first bit of ONE LIFE TO LIVE today and while it is overall very compelling, the sequences of Tina setting dynamite and then putting it out with a pillow because she realized she would blow herself up (!) plus Gigi disguised as a nurse in plain sight of Adriana reeked of PASSIONS. Please, Ron Carlivati, just because James E Reilly is dead, it doesn't mean that you have to fill his void. I think, generally, viewers prefer romance and drama to camp and silliness.

SLOW TRAIN TO OAKDALE

As previously mentioned, I have loads of ATWT lying in wait for me on my DVR. I have all of last week's and today's. I would love to write about last Monday's episode but I can't because my local CBS affiliate pre-empted the ENTIRE show to show us footage of a fire happening very far away. What exactly is the point of that? If there was a fire in my neighborhood I hope to heaven that I wouldn't have to find out about it from my TV -- has anyone's life ever been saved because their favorite soap got interrupted with breaking news?? So no Nuke, Dusty, Reg or Kevin for me. Damn it, Van Hansis was looking so hot the last time he graced my screen. And I've been gagging for some Dusty/Noah interaction. AAAAAAARGHHHHHH!!! When I eventually get a new computer that will actually allow me to watch YouTube, that episode will be the first thing I watch!

I watched a little bit of DAYS OF OUR LIVES today. I was rolling my eyes along with Peter Reckell at Melanie. While I appreciate a love interest for Nick, Melanie is starting to annoy. Someone give her a redeeming quality, quick! On the plus side, Nicole and Sami snarking at each other was fabulous. I love how Nicole is already planning family vacations with the father of her unborn child!

MORE BOYFRIEND BRAGGING

As my boyfriend Darren is away, I yearn for the sound of his voice. So naturally I popped into the DVD player '70s schlock horror fest BEYOND THE DOOR, which stars the lovely Juliet Mills. Readers of this column might know Juliet from her time spent playing Tabitha in the late, unlamented PASSIONS. She is interviewed on the audio commentary by Darren! (And 2 other people who are not my boyfriend and, therefore, matter not.) Darren is terrific on the commentary. He has clearly done his research and his comments are revealing and perceptive. BEYOND THE DOOR might be a movie best enjoyed with many gin and tonics but the commentary is a fascinating peek into big budget '70s exploitation cinema. And I'm not just saying that because my boyfriend is on the commentary!

EMPLOYED BOYFRIEND!

My boyfriend Darren, formerly known as The Unemployed Boyfriend, has got a job! Say hello to the new Tech Services Coordinator at a major film studio! I am so proud of him and I am soooooo happy that we are both employed full-time in today's wretched economic climate.

To add icing on the cake AT THIS VERY MINUTE Darren is at the Shock Till You Drop film festival in San Francisco, where NIGHT OF DARK SHADOWS and HOUSE OF DARK SHADOWS will be shown. As well as being, uniquely, feature films spun off from a daytime soap opera, what is also interesting about these films are the HUGE chunks of footage cut out of them. Darren will be doing a presentation of the lost footage from NODS (which he rediscovered) as well as showing his personal print of HODS. So if you're reading this and live in San Francisco, get off your computer and get down to the Castro NOW!!!

I couldn't make it since I don't want to take any time off from my job, which I'm still new at. So, neither of us is unemployed and our soap watching had decreased dramatically -- you should see our DVR, chock-a-block with AS THE WORLD TURNS and NIGHT SHIFT! Is it time to change the name of this blog?!?

Naaah.

FROM THE BOARDROOM TO THE BORED ROOM

I really enjoyed the scenes on THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS today where Nikki and Phyllis bitched at each other, and the subsequent scenes of Nikki snarking at Adam. I am afraid that I will be tuning out tomorrow, though, since who cares if Ana isn't going to school?

Crazy Pam was given full reign on THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL. I love Alley Mills! She manages to go over the top without losing the core of her character. I am concerned that by pushing her so far over the edge Pam will become unredeemable and will disappear from our screens. Let's hope she's another one of those soap characters who is bad because of a brain tumour that can be easily cured!

I'm a bit bored with ALL MY CHILDREN. I am looking forward to the tornado that will bring back Bianca and David and will lead to Tamara Braun joining the show. I'm just tired of Kendall, Ryan, Greenlee, Annie and Zach (though I have fond feelings for Thorsten Kaye from his PORT CHARLES days.) I actively dislike Petey and Colby. Their performances are waaay too undergrad stagy -- both need to tone it down! However, when I see Taylor and Jake my interest perks up, and the show is also getting good mileage out of Carmen and Amanda. Randi is creepy, though. The Boyfriend pointed out that she seems to be wearing colored contacts, which have the unfortunate effect of making the actress unexpressive and possesive of cold, dead eyes. If they were smart, the writers would work in a reference as to how Randi's days as a whore have killed her soul!

ONE LIFE TO LIVE was fortunately spellbinding. Love, love, love Ilene Kristen letting it all hang out emotionally and otherwise -- look at that mascara run for its life! What a jolt after seeing Ilene 30 years ago as Delia in RYAN'S HOPE! Plus, the return of Adriana was dramatically pleasing. It offers her a chance at redemption and Melissa Fumero has really nailed the part.

GENERAL HOSPITAL was sorta good, sorta bad. All the stuff with Big Pussy was contrived and unfunny, even though GH's roster of character actors (Diane, Max, new arrival Vincent Pastore) were on top form. Really liked the scene where Epiphany put Robin and Patrick in their places, though. How unprofessional of them to take their relationship shit out on their staff!

GUIDING LIGHT was torture today. WAAAAAAAAAY too much Grady/Kane Manera for my liking. He is just too limited a performer (and the character of Grady just too repugnant) to carry so much story. Two scenes that stand out for suckiness today were the scenes where Grady tells Dinah he was hitting on her mom and where he brings Lizzie flowers. His facial expressions were woeful; incapable of conveying anything. He also has a real lack of comic timing. I also hated all the scenes of Mallett giving Marina the house. I like domestic soaps as much as anyone, but that storyline was too banal. What next -- Grady and Daisy go to the supermarket together to pick up snacks for the Peapack Craft Services table?

DUSTY! NELL! BUTT BUSTING!

AS THE WORLD TURNS has now become hugely enjoyable with the full-on return of Grayson McCouch as Dusty. He must be the coolest character in soaps -- just look at how he said "Hello gorgeous" to Lucinda. It's wonderful that his return is being explored at length, with juicy reaction scenes being given to everybody who has a history with Dusty. I loved the hell out of Elizabeth Hubbard today and it's a great surprise twist that Lucinda has been Dusty's cohort all along. My only fear is that Noah's fledgling father/son relationship with Dusty will be forgotten. The writers are doing such an excellent job with Dusty's return that I would hate for them to mess up on this.

Plus, INTURN winner Nell Mooney made her debut as Spencer today. I rank her as better than last year's winner, Ryan something who was just lousy as Evan Walsh, but not as good as last year's runner-up, Lauretta Vaughn. The face Spencer made at the sight of Brad's naked torso was very funny, so maybe Spencer will turn out to be a comedic character ala Elwood (who was played by the winner of the first INTURN competition.) I got a kick out of the reference to Katie's Butt Busting video. My boyfriend won a prop of that video at the ATWT Fan Club luncheon!

Another show that was shockingly good today was NIGHT SHIFT. Chad Allen's presence, like Grayson McCouch's in ATWT, just seems to energize everyone involved behind and in front of the camera. His scenes were Kyle were just heartbreaking. The Scorpio family reunion was very affecting, and the Epiphany subplot was compelling. It may have taken a bit of time, but NS is finally unmissable.

SATURDAY NIGHT DOWN THE PUB

Actually, the closest I got to the pub tonight was watching an old episode of RYAN'S HOPE that I DVRed off of SoapNet! (Besides, there are no proper pubs in sunny, soulless Los Angeles.) RYAN'S HOPE is always fun for me to watch because it is the only US soap I've ever seen that feels like a British soap. You've got a show centered around a pub and a close-knit working class family, which is de rigeur for EASTENDERS or CORRIE but somewhat unusual for a daytime American drama. While glitzy, trashy soaps are all good fun, I think in the long run the domestic soap is more fulfilling for the viewer because you really get to know and identify with the characters. I think DAYS OF OUR LIVES tries to do this with the Brady pub, but with mixed results. I buy the Bradys as a family but the pub itself is ludicrous -- can you imagine Johnny and Maeve Ryan running a "green" pub?? (Besides on St Paddy's Day, of course.)

SPOTTED:ATWT CREW MEMBER!

Approximately 50 minutes into today's episode is an ATWT crew member, of indeterminate sex but wearing either a Yankees cap or shirt, clearly seen under Dusty's elbow. It is astonishing that no one caught this! I realize there is no time for retakes but really -- that footage is unbroadcastable.

On a more positive note, GOSSIP GIRL kicked ass tonight. Fashion, bitchery and Dan Humphreys being eyed up by 2 leather daddies in jail! As melodramatic as GG is, I can't help but love the current Blair storyline because I also never, ever forgive a friend who has betrayed me. Granted, I am not as machiavellian as Blair but I can be just as much a raving loon. But as to my antics -- I'll never tell.

xoxo

BILLY ABBOTT AND BREAST MILK

Having Amber's not-so-imaginary boyfriend Liam turn out to be Billy Abbott on THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS is inspired and clever. I sense that whoever on the writing staff (I'm guessing Hogan Sheffer) thought up the reveal that Chloe is Kate thought this one up too. My only qualm is that post-David Tom, I have no memory of what Billy got up to or why anyone would be mad to see him. Let the infodump commence!

I watched most of NIGHT SHIFT tonight and I can not wait for Chad Allen to show up so that Kyle can have stuff to do besides being Comedy Gay. This week we got to see a gay man deal with milking breasts! Larks! Almost as sidesplitting as when Kyle talked to senior citizens about venereal disease! Woohoo! In other NIGHT SHIFT business, I am just not feeling the Antonio Sabato Jr love. I am a child of the '80s, not the '90s, so Jagger means nada por mi. And Jason Thompson is acting Antonio off the screen! If you don't believe me, watch any scene between Patrick and Jagger and tell me, honestly -- who comes off better?

SHIRTLESS GUYS AND JANET'S PIES

Oakdale is strictly dullsville nowadays. It's taken me until tonight to watch last Tuesday's episode!!! It is hard to get motivated to watch AS THE WORLD TURNS, but there are still points of interest:
1) Dylan Bruce and his pecs.
2) Billy Magnusson and that little growl he made before he sexed up Emily.
3) Juicy Janet and her odd sounding Apple Chipotle Pecan pie. Hmmmm....well, better than Grace's Tomato Soup Cake on the late, unlamented PASSIONS.
Otherwise, Grayson McCouch's Dusty can not return soon enough.

THE ONLY DOCTOR I WANT TO SEE IS DOCTOR WHO

In between rewatching the final episodes of Series 4 of DOCTOR WHO (TURN LEFT has a funny CORONATION STREET reference, by the way), I took a little break to see some of NIGHT SHIFT. I saw just enough to convince me to cancel my future DVR recording of this week's episode! Claire and someone else you don't care about were exchanging amateur dramatics, Robin and Patrick were being miserable and Jagger and Leo were being boring. I'd write more about this underwhelming GH spinoff but I have to go see Gita from EASTENDERS get killed killed by Daleks in JOURNEY'S END, the DW Series 4 finale!

TRUE MEGAN

In the pre-credits sequence of TRUE BLOOD tonight I was surprised and delighted to see Jessica Tuck, in a small but important role. Jessica and her ONE LIFE TO LIVE character, Megan, were sorely missed on the recent 40th anniversary episodes of OLTL. We got one vintage clip but I would really have liked to see Jessica at the point in OLTL where she was playing Megan, Megan's split personality Ruby and the two roles Megan was playing in OLTL's soap within a soap -- all at THE SAME TIME. (IIRC!!!) Hopefully there'll be more Jessica Tuck goodness in TRUE BLOOD; I rather watch her in this than in any iteration of HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL!

SLIVERS OF SOAP

I only watched the last ten minutes of ONE LIFE TO LIVE and the first ten minutes of GENERAL HOSPITAL today. If I watched any more I would have been in danger of doing nothing else but watching SoapNet tonight, and I really wanted to watch a movie with The Unemployed Boyfriend and eat pizza. (THE HOURS and pepperoni, respectively.) Anyhoo, the Todd/Marty story is unlike anything I've ever seen on daytime. How far will they go? And will Marty kill Todd when (or if?!) she gets her memories back?

GH had the welcome spectacle of Maxie sticking up for Spinelli's right to orange soda and BBQ potato chips. I also liked the way Kate repeated back to Clarice her unwelcome Sonny/Carly news just to make sure Kate understood. Poor Clarice. She's like Rosencrantz or Guildenstern in HAMLET -- a side character privy to the maelstrom of a larger than life character. (Notice how literary I've become after rewatching THE HOURS???)

DOZY EMPLOYED SOAP VIEWER

After a long day's work I was too tired to stick to GENERAL HOSPITAL. Spinelli and Stone Cold's interaction is a constant delight, but Lulu whining away in that room with Laura and the Zaccharrahs reaching new lows of Zacharrahing are real turn-offs. So I turned the telly off!

I managed to stay awake for today's DVRed episode of AS THE WORLD TURNS, which was sorta crap but had some jewels hidden in the dirt. Voldemort the puppy was UltraCUTE and Dylan Bruce with his shirt off was just gobsmacking. How on earth does someone as talented and stunning as Dylan Bruce get relegated to recurring? Sometimes I think Jean Passanante and Chris Goutman pass their joint shared brain cell between them, like the witches who pass the eye around in CLASH OF THE TITANS.

PIMPS, NERDS AND PSYCHOS

ALL MY CHILDREN and THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL competed for my attention when I woke up, and B&B won because you just can not stop watching when Crazy Pam is on the loose. I am happy to see her terrorize and then have her behavior blamed on her medication ad infinitum, as long as we get to keep Alley Mills around!

AMC was not that interesting from what I saw. Kris Eivers' overacting as Randi's pimp irritated me, so I'm glad to read in SOAP OPERA DIGEST that Taylor is going to kill him! I am also irritated by NuPetey Cortland, a ripoff of Spinelli from GENERAL HOSPITAL (mannerisms, storyline) and Nick from DAYS OF OUR LIVES (he is actually very pretty for a nerd!) The Unemployed Boyfriend seemed somewhat taken with Petey, which I will interpret as a compliment to my geeky self.

AS THE WORLD TURNS continues to annoy with any storyline involving Parker and Liberty. I think it is time to ship them off to boarding school so the wonderful pairing of Jack and Janet can really have room to breathe. And I'm saying this even though I LIKE Mick Hazen and Meredith Hagner! It's just their plots that drain the life from the adult characters on the show. The return of James Stenbeck is shaping up to be great fun, though. Has he REALLY come back just to eat Paul's sandwiches and drink his wine?? The shot of him sneaking in to get the rest of his meal while Paul comforted Meg was very, very funny. More of that and less of Brad flying off the handle, please.

This is the first time I've been able to catch GH since Genie Francis returned and while it's great to see Laura again...is her entire story going to have her stuck in a room listening to Lulu whine? On a more positive note, how appropiate that Spinelli will daydream of Leyla kicking ass ala Emma Peel. If there's anything Spinelli and I have in common, it is the Diana Rigg AVENGERS megaset being in our DVD collections!

DOOL featured Blake Berris looking really, really cute in his white jacket. He is also looking very adorable wearing nothing but red Barack Obama underpants(!) in this week's SOD. I like Blake/Nick so much I am not even going to complain that DOOL is ripping off GOSSIP GIRL with Melanie and her potential romance with him, which is a bit reminiscent of GG's Serena and Dan. XOXO

THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS is REALLY good nowadays. It is so good that it is even gripping in the crappy Standard Def broadcasts of SoapNet, so strong is the writing and characterization. I like the pairing of Cane and Chloe a lot. I sense a growing attraction between them that could lead to a more complex pairing than Cane and Lily ever were. Don't Cane and Chloe have more in common than they realize? Both are working their way up from crappy working class backgrounds to the good life, any way they can get it. Let's remember that Cane was as shady as Chloe when first introduced. And whoever thought up the upcoming revelation that Chloe is Esther's daughter is a GENIUS!! I'm going to give Hogan Sheffer credit for that one until proven otherwise.

SCREW YOU CBS 2!

I would love to blog about Tuesday's episode of AS THE WORLD TURNS but just when Lucinda and Brian sat down to eat, my local CBS affiliate decided to interrupt the show in order to show me footage of a fire happening nowhere near me! And they reran GUIDING LIGHT that night but no ATWT! And I can't watch that episode online because my computer is a piece of shit! And Van Hansis was looking obscenely hot in the whole 3 minutes I got of him! AAAAAARGHHH!

As for today's episode, I was amused by the last minute return of James Stenbeck on Paul's computer. Will he step through the screen to assume corporeal form?!? I am finding Parker and his ridiculously girly hair very, very annoying, which is a shame because I used to groove on his authentic sullenness. At least this episode had Juicy Janet being so super cool and sexy that Jack had to hang up on Carly in order to get his freak on. Take that Carly!

THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS was awfully good, from what I saw of it. (My itchy channel surfing finger kept switching over to ALL MY CHILDREN during the commercials.) The only thing I like more than Chloe marrying Cane is Sharon's blase, I've-got-better-things-to-think-about reaction! And the only thing I LOVED more than that is Phyllis telling Sharon to stop worrying about her ex-husband who is now Phyllis' husband, thank you very much. Y&R is really juicing up normally boring couples lately. Cane and Lily, Nick and Phyllis: all they needed was some good writing and interaction with other characters to make then watchable again. And hooray for SORASing Noah. That kid actor who played him as a child always irritated me -- he was so artificial and stagy, like the brat who is in the lead role of the school play that you are forced to sit through in order to see your own kid as a talking tree or something.

AMC also appears to be on an upswing. I like Jake, Amanda and Taylor. I like the interplay between Jesse and Angie. I don't know why Randi is still on the show but I am trusting Chuck Pratt to make her interesting or to get rid of her. And I am looking forward to Vincent Irizarry's return as David Hayward, because every soap needs a good villain.

I am not sure who the villain is on THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL. I think it was Pam who poisoned Eric, but I hope that doesn't mean we'll see the last of her. I would like Owen to be more of a rotter; I don't buy him taking the rap for Donna. I would rather see Brandon Beemer work his way through the women of the show than the aging lothario that is Jack Wagner.

BARNABAS THE PINK UNICORN

Was naming Sage's stuffed animal Barnabas a sneaky DARK SHADOWS reference on today's AS THE WORLD TURNS? Hmmmm...perhaps. Or I could have DS on the brain after watching The Unemployed Boyfriend futzing around with his print of NIGHT OF DARK SHADOWS. He wound up projecting it on the wall, using a projector that I have faint knowledge of (I don't even remember how it got in our house!) It was like an art installation: Adorable Cat, Boyfriend and pink-yet-sharp print of NODS clustered around the dining room table like material in a multimedia piece. (Can you tell I work in an art museum?)

FRIDAY NIGHT WATER FIGHTS

I would have made more of the water fight on AS THE WORLD TURNS; come on, who doesn't want to see Michael Park and Austin Peck in a wet T-shirt contest? Today's episode was sorta dullish, concentrating on 2 plotlines that don't really have anywhere to go. I hope Paul finds out he owes money to his evil dad James, which would kick up that story and I really hope some other love interests for Parker and Liberty are introduced because there is no reason for those two to be together except they're the only high school kids in the show! Janet was fab, as usual, in this episode and sparked things up no end. I hope Jacket continues for a long time -- surely even the most fervent Carjacker must notice the fun Michael Park is having with Julie Pinson?

THE SORASED AND THE RESTLESS

I was amused to see a SORASed Noah Newman on THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS today and even more amused to see his two hot friends partying around his pool! There have been lots of jokes about Noah being gay floating around the internet and this will just add fuel to the fire!

THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL has managed to lift itself out of the depressing nature of the Eric in a coma (I know, I know, it's serioussssssssss...sorry, gratuitous Smiths reference there!) storyline by adding the soapy twist that he's been poisoned! The episode was very well directed. Love all those closeups of the Forresters demanding Donna be arrested -- very over the top and fun.

AS THE WORLD TURNS had some good stuff in it, but also some bad stuff. I liked Meg baking cookies with Emma to tell Paul she's pregnant, and Kathleen Widdowes was a joy in those scenes. I liked Faith baldly stating to Holden that he slept with Carly. I enjoyed the sight of baby Ethan because nothing affects that kid's giggly smile -- parents divorcing, mom recast, Jean Passanante. However, the bad Dani Andropolous stuff capsized the episode for me. I found Margo's dislike of her to be contrived and Dani's strategy to get back into the police station with Casey's help implausible. Dani seems like a horrid version of what someone on the writing staff thinks is a SEX AND THE CITY-esque fun single girl with a professional career, but she just comes off as a skank. Speaking of skanks, I did like that Emily knows the Mayor because he used to be one of her johns!

ONE LIFE TO LIVE sucked me in with that cute little DavidVickers. (Babies and dogs -- oh crap I'm getting broody! And I'm a guy!!!) Loads of potential in the possibilities they're setting up of Tina vs Todd and Tess. I trust head writer Ron Carlivati to run with it!

I wanted to watch all of GENERAL HOSPITAL today but the double whammy of Zaccharahing and Whiny Lulu drove me to the fast-forward button so I could just enjoy Spinelli and Maxie. The look on Spinelli's face when Maxie figured out that the stakeout was just so he could show Stone Cold that he could do a stakeout without passing out from dehydration was very funny.

My viewing for today finished up with a rewatch of the astonishing DOCTOR WHO episode MIDNIGHT. Mostly taking place on a single set, this story boasts an amazingly tight ensemble that makes you feel like you've just seen a brilliant piece of theatre. Part of this cast is the underrated Lindsay Coulson, who electrified EASTENDERS in the '90s as Carol Jackson, arguably the best acted female part in Albert Square of that period. She is soooo good in MIDNIGHT; Lindsay goes from chatty, congenial tourist to panicked freaking woman to deadly harridan in about 40 minutes, and her final line to the Doctor says volumes. A great performance that might be overlooked in the light of main guest star's Lesley Sharp's really, really scary, showstopping Sky Sylvestry.

GOOD RIDDANCE TO CAROLYN HINSEY

Just got the new SOAP OPERA DIGEST, saw Carolyn Hinsey's moronic comments on AS THE WORLD TURNS, and screamed my head off being glad she got fired! "I didn't even try to watch the ATWT episodes I missed. Wake me when the story of poison bracelets and watches and perfume is over." For one thing, those episodes rocked! They gave our veterans stuff to do, were a great excuse to bring back the deliciously evil Rick Decker and gave us hot views of Billy Magnusson and Dylan Bruce with their shirts off. And for another thing -- if you are writing a column for a soap magazine, watch ALL the damn shows! If you are editor of ANOTHER soap magazine published by the same company, then it's your FRIGGIN' JOB to watch all the shows! Plus, I just know I read in her anti-Emmy rant that Carolyn claimed to be a better judge than the Emmy board because she watched every show, day in, day out. Well, I guess she really didn't. What a lousy, lazy critic. I actually used to really enjoy her columns but I have no respect for her now.

Hey. It's not only my opinion.

HAPPY NUKE-IVERSARY!

While there was no explicit acknowledgement in the August 18, 2008 episode of AS THE WORLD TURNS that it has been one year (well, sorta -- the exact date was August 17, 2007) since Luke and Noah first kissed, I still felt a wave of anniversary goodness from the show. We got another kiss, suggestive arm rubbing and a feeling that Luke and Noah had to get dressed up to celebrate something special. All of this was just lovely, and it is a pleasure to welcome Laurence Lau to Oakdale. Finally a love interest for Lucinda!

On a less essential note, DAYS OF OUR LIVES' throwaway film noir fantasy week (designed so as not to disrupt the continuing storylines while NBC is showing the Olympics) is damn good for disposable entertainment. Everybody seems to be playing it straight and the cinematography is excellent. What could have been an embarassing homage (am I the only one who remembers Dillon's wince-inducing silent movie fantasy on GENERAL HOSPITAL?) is instead a nostalgic bonbon that pays loving tribute to classic Hollywood.

I am sad to report that NIGHT SHIFT has failed to pass the DVR test. Last week, as I was running out of room on my DVR I had to delete something in order to record ATWT. NS disappeared from the grid, and after seeing a little bit of that episode on SoapNet tonight, I don't think I missed much. Unless you count a scene of an old woman talking to a gay doctor about her vagina. I honestly wish this was must see TV that I would be DVRing like mad, but it just isn't. The episodic plots are just so daft. Take the episode where Gay Doc deduced that a woman suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome was still depressed about her dead husband because she was doing a crossword puzzle from a 2 year old newspaper. If I was Gay Doc, I would have looked at her paper, chirpily remarked "My, you sure stockpile those puzzles!" and gone on my merry way. That kind of thing makes me yearn for Season 1 of NS, where IBS lady would either be murdered by Killer Nurse Jolene or riddled with bullets as a casualty of whatever gang war was hitting the General Hospital NIGHT SHIFT that week! Am I the only one who preferred NS when it was a bit more trashy?

VAGUELY SOAPY EMPLOYMENT!

I am thrilled to announce that tomorrow I begin full time employment with full benefits at a local art museum! Appropiately, it is the same museum that Victor and Sabrina went to in THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS in March, IIRC -- think "street lamp installation" if you have a hard time remembering!

Speaking of Y&R, I caught the last half of the show this morning and had "Signed, Sealed, Delivered" stuck in my head all day even though I hate Devon and am confused by his InstaFamily. Does it make any dramatic difference that Ana is Yolanda's daughter and not Tyra's? What concerns me more is the question of whether Jana still works at Sabrina's art museum. Am I now Jana?!?

I was pleased to Beth Ehlers in uniform on ALL MY CHILDREN today and happy at the potential of scenes between her, Jesse and Angie. As Beth is ushered in, I hope AMC continues to cut the dead weight that make me switch channels to THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL. Very glad to read in SOAP OPERA DIGEST that Cassandra and Samuel are gone, baby, gone!

I would love to write all night about today's viewing but I watched loads o'soap today and have got to get to bed soon! So here's a quick rundown:

I like Marcus and Steffy on B&B a lot, so you see? New characters or recasts can be good! Just usually not on AMC! ONE LIFE TO LIVE amuses me with their DONNIE DARKO-esque time travel storyline, while any scene between Ilene Kristen and Brian Kerwin is just pure gold. DAYS OF OUR LIVES had Stefano terrorizing everybody, and it made for some good viewing. Scream Anna DiMera scream! GENERAL HOSPITAL had some good Maxie/Spinelli scenes, but too much Zaccharing and Lulu whining led me back to Springfield, which had some really good Reva/Alan/Lizzie material. Caught up with the last two episodes of GOSSIP GIRL reruns, which were the best I've seen yet -- Jake Silbermann had a nice walk-on and Eric was memorably outed by uber-bitch Georgina. Also caught up with Tuesday's and Wednesday's AS THE WORLD TURNS. Tuesday's was a small masterpiece. I think other shows should look at that episode to see domestic soap at its best. Wednesday's was unintentionally hilarious becasue The Unemployed Boyfriend and I feel so sorry for Neal because Carly keeps giving him the runaround, but we think the actor is AWFUL. This leads to us screeching 'CAAAAAARRLLLLYYYY' at each other for about an hour. Sorry, Michael E. Rodgers, we know you're trying your best as Neal!

You know you love me.
xoxo

HANNIBAL LECTER EATS OAKDALE

Well, not really. But in Friday's cracking good episode of AS THE WORLD TURNS Oakdale's famous serial killer Rick Decker made a welcome reappearance in order to solve The Mystery Of The Poisoned Accessories. I think he's a big red herring and the soon-to-return James Stenbeck is the real culprit. When that scene started where Carly dared to knock on Lily's door, I was hoping that Luke would rip Carly a new one. No such luck, but Van Hansis conveyed volumes with just a few lines and a few looks. Speaking of characters with few lines, I was pleased to see Wole Parks' Dallas make an appearance. Now that it looks like Bonnie is finally getting a storyline, can't Dallas get one too? Wole is charismatic and his body is TIGHT!

We started our rewatching of the brilliant 4th series of DOCTOR WHO tonight, since I finally gave in and ordered the uncut UK DVDs after suffering at the hands of Sci-Fi Channel's butchers for the last 13 weeks. The guest casting this series has been really top notch, with several ex-soap stars making an appearance. Episode 1, PARTNERS IN CRIME, has ex-CORONATION STREET star Sarah Lancashire doing a funny takeoff on Supernanny Jo Frost and it's even funnier because she plays it dead serious. Sarah took a similar gambit in CORRIE; Raquel was a typically comedic Rover's Return barmaid, but Sarah never descended to caricature in her portrayal.

Episode 2, THE FIRES OF POMPEII, featured a soap actor less well-known than Sarah but still remembered by me -- Francois Pandolfo, who was briefly in EASTENDERS as Enrico, a foreign exchange student with funny spiked hair and a weak grasp of English. Sonia and Nicki fought over him and he chose Sonia over the DeMarco chick because of her passion for the trumpet. (Yes really!!) Then he went back to Italy and didn't answer Sonia's letters or Valentine Day's card, causing her to get really, really upset and to sleep with Martin Fowler. That one night of foolishness on Sonia's part led to at least seven years worth of story for Sonia and Martin! So Enrico may be a footnote in Albert Square history, but a notable footnote nonetheless. His portrayer Francois has grown up to be rather hunky, with a good pair of legs noticeable beneath his short tunic in POMPEII. (Wole's tight body, Francois' fit legs -- WHAT is on my mind tonight???)

CARLY MUST DIE

As much as I enjoyed my mini-marathon of the latest two episodes of AS THE WORLD TURNS today, I have to admit that Carly needs to be bitch-slapped into oblivion. The writers are doing a good job of keeping Luke involved in the action; I would really like to see a scene where he tears Carly apart for ruining his parents' marriage. Even if he only tears her apart verbally! Van Hansis does bitchy anger very well -- let's see some of that directed against the contemptible Carly!

I woke up this morning to find out that THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS has apparently gotten good again while I wasn't looking. I detect the firm hand of Hogan Sheffer in this. Chloe is being revved up to engage in the kind of gleeful bad girl behavior that is a Hogan Sheffer trademark. Sheffer really saw the potential of Chelsea in DAYS OF OUR LIVES during his tenure there and I still remember how he thrust Katie into ATWT's spotlight way back in 2000. Every soap needs a good bad girl!

If Y&R is improving, THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL is starting to take a nose dive. Today's episode was dreary. Eric's in a coma and his family have to decide whether to pull the plug. Katie is somehow pregnant with Nick's kid even though we never saw them do it. Where's the fun? Where are the campy women and the hot guys? B&B has always been the most glam of the soaps. They should play to that strength instead of trying to get some Serious Drama going. Leave that to domestic soaps like ATWT and DOOL, which excel at family dynamics. The Forrester, Logan and Marone families' dynamics are so twistedly near incestual, any attempt to base a story in B&B around family integrity is ludicrous.

Speaking of ludicrous, I am glad to see that ONE LIFE TO LIVE has gotten Andrea Evans out of Mendorra. Seeing her involved in fake country shenanigans, I started to see Andrea slip into PASSIONS mode, which involves a lot of fake, crummy acting. PASSIONS ended today, BTW. RIP PASSIONS. I liked that show enough at one point to name The Adorable Cat after its most inspired character, Timmy!

DOOL was also inspired today. I LOVED the vintage clips of Bo and Hope getting married!!! I think Kristian Alfonso has improved with age, like a fine wine. Peter Reckell always looks the same to me; only the length and landscape of his hair changes. And even though Belle and Shawn are not currently a part of the show, kudos to DOOL's writers for having a letter from them read during the wedding ceremony.

I saw some of ALL MY CHILDREN as well, but it was soooo bad I have trouble remembering it. I vaguely remember Randi and Frankie annoying me, and Annie annoying me. The show has hit an absolute nadir of late, as if to show us how rubbish it can be before Chuck Pratt (hopefully) works New Head Writer Magic on it. I don't wish unemployment on anyone (it really, really sucks) but I don't see how AMC can be fixed unless MAJOR axing occurs. Randi, Petey, Frankie, Dre, Annie, NuColby, Samuel, Babe -- these characters have all reached dead ends. Maybe Janet From Another Planet can go on a killing spree and do Pine Valley a favor? Then with the cast payroll that's been freed up, they can bring Cady McClain back as Dixie!

ZACH ROERIG SIGHTING!

Walking back to our car after a disappointing dinner at El Coyote, The Unemployed Boyfriend and I were startled to see Zach Roerig in his car, on his phone, waiting for the light to change! We unashamedly gawked and screamed ZACH ROERIG! at each other (TBH, I was flying from just one margarita.) He is still gorgeous! I have to wonder -- what is the ex-Casey Hughes from AS THE WORLD TURNS doing in Los Angeles? His last soap role was on ONE LIFE TO LIVE, which is an East Coast soap like ATWT. Can we possibly have Zach returning to daytime on an West Coast soap? Did he try out to play Billy Abbott on THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS and not get it? I think his natural role would be as a pot-smoking buddy of Spinelli on GENERAL HOSPITAL but that is just pure fanwank on my part.

COFFEE, TEA OR ATWT

Actually, I hate coffee but I love tea and was able to drink it in my AS THE WORLD TURNS mug as we sat down to catch up on last week's episodes tonight. Just finished Wednesday's, and I am in awe of the awesomeness that is Julie Pinson as Juicy Janet. Michael Park continues to become my secret new fantasy boyfriend through sheer coolness and Noelle Beck as the new, bitchier Lily has really won me over. I'd write more -- about the fun of the poisoned accessories plot, the greatness of Emma vs. Janet and the almost unbelievably exciting return of both James Stenbeck and DUSTY!!! -- but I've got some Nuke episodes to watch!

GOSSIP GIRL WITH AN ENGLISH LIT DEGREE

It struck me tonight while watching yesterday's GOSSIP GIRL rerun that GOSSIP GIRL is pretty much a trashy, flashy version of one of my favorite movies, METROPOLITAN. Both chronicle the romantic adventures of a group of upper class Upper Eastsiders, but METROPOLITAN is dry, witty, and rather wonderful -- like conversation sparked by a really good bottle of champagne. GOSSIP GIRL is loud, garish, and also wonderful in the fastness of its plotting and the gorgeousness of its characters -- METROPOLITAN barely has a plot to speak of and most of the cast look like real people, unlike the freakishly attractive cast of GOSSIP GIRL. GOSSIP GIRL is like binging on a box of Lady Godiva chocolate washed down with some tacky, colorful cocktail that has an umbrella in it. It may be good in the short run, but it is the champagne-inspired times that really linger in your memory. (Quick! Someone stop my metaphor!)

You know you love me.
xoxo

THE HAPPY BLOG!

I was pleased as punch to see Brandon Beemer on THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL interacting with Felicia, but today I was over the moon to see him rub up next to crazy Pam! Pam is just fabulous -- she's like one of the old ladies from GREY GARDENS has escaped and somehow wound up working for Forrester. I will happily eat your lemon bars, Pam!

Another enjoyably crazy old lady on soaps is Addie on ONE LIFE TO LIVE. I know it can't last because Tuc Watkins is leaving (again) but I dig Addie and David together. They have no illusions about each other and Addie is sweetly implacable in the face of Dorian's wrath. David's quoting of LIAISIONS DANGEREUSES and MEDEA at Dorian were very funny and quite apropos. I will happily trade literary barbs with you, David!

DAYS OF OUR LIVES smoked up my living room with John and Ava's lovemaking. Good lord, why on earth is Tamara Braun leaving this show when they are obviously going out of their way to keep her interested with quality material? Her and Drake Hogestyn are smoking! Drake continues to make me love "bad" John Black: "Let's have caviar and champagne! We can clean up the blood later!" was delivered with a wicked, infectious grin. It was also hot that after sex, Ava was wearing John's bathrobe! I too will happily trade black silk bathrobes with you, John Black!
As for the rest of the show....Chelsea's hair continues to look fierce. I hope Chelsea finds out about her Granma (!) and Dr. Daniel soon because it's fun to see her go off on a tear. I will happily go to the hair stylist with you, Chelsea!

GUIDING LIGHT still looks and sounds like it is shot on Ellen Wheeler's Cameraphone (TM) but the storytelling is revving up and there are some really good performances. Daniel Cosgrove is doing a great job of underplaying his melodramatic storyline and we're seeing more and more of Reva and some of the other veterans (like that great scene today between Vanessa and Mel.) As long as Port Charles is overrun with Zaccharahs, I will happily be taking the PATH train to Peapack!

COCKBLOCKING IS BETTER THAN CROTCH SCRATCHING

Thursday's episode of AS THE WORLD TURNS was surprisingly credible, even though my brain will not stop saying WHY ARE NUKE NOT HAVING SEX??!! I think it helped things to have Luke and Noah actually talk about it instead of dodging the issue. Van and Jake worked hard to sell it. Hopefully when they DO have sex it'll be romantic and special, and not the trauma-induced grief sex Noah fears it will be.

On NIGHT SHIFT our new gay character Dr Kyle Julian was introduced explaining to instant BFF Dr. Claire that he hasn't scratched his crotch once all day! And she couldn't figure out from that he's gay?!? I admit that I am so hungry for gay representation on soaps that I will watch NIGHT SHIFT every week, even though Dr Kyle looks like he's going to be celibate -- see SOAP OPERA DIGEST 8/5/08 p.62 "...dealing with his nonexistent love life..." Man, I thought the sexless gay best friend was out of fashion, with the recentish end of WILL AND GRACE being the final nail in that particular coffin. Oh, and NS without Stone Cold, Spinelli and Maxie is not enough to keep the Semi-Employed Boyfriend rooted to the couch. I think he lasted 25 minutes and came back on my insistence to see Dr Kyle come out. Lesson to be learned here? Don't downplay the regulars in favor of newbies unless the newbies are damn interesting.

I much prefer GENERAL HOSPITAL's previous spin-off, PORT CHARLES. In fact watching an episode today featuring Kent Masters King as sexy werewolf Imani, I was reminded how one of the pleasures of the first season of NS was seeing a greater role for King's GH character, Lainey. The stuff with her dying dad and her unusual realtionship with psycho vet Cody really gave Kent strong material that she has never got on GH. Wouldn't NS be more fun if it took minor GH characters and fleshed them out? Doesn't every GH viewer want to see more Diane, Max or Milo? NS could also have taken GH characters like Monica and Bobbie who don't have storyline on GH and given them something to do at night -- they could do anything since they have no daytime continuity to conflict with! Instead of bringing back Robert and Jagger, why not work with what you already have?

LUCINDA LEADS THE ANTI-COCKBLOCKING BRIGADE!

Was ANYTHING as good today as AS THE WORLD TURNS? When Lucinda screamed at Emma "...you who don't allow the boys to cohabit in this silly farm!..." the Semi-Employed Boyfriend and myself pretty much fell off the couch, jaws agape. That was the highlight for me of an outstanding episode. Everyone was GREAT today. I finally feel the writers are writing to Noelle Beck's strengths. She is so hard and tough I fully believe Lily would try to kill Carly! While no one can replace Martha Byrne, Noelle Beck's Lily is shaping up to be a force to be reckoned with.

I also saw the first half of THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS before reporting to my whopping two hour work shift. It was very dull. I think Y&R need to take a page out of today's ATWT and realize that nothing is more entertaining than two grande dames yelling at each other and given full reign. Let's have more Jill and Kay and less Adam and Heather!

I DVRed NIGHT SHIFT but couldn't be bothered to watch it because I honestly didn't think any other soap could measure up to the fabulous theatricality of ATWT today. In NIGHT SHIFT's favor, I'm looking forward to possible gay doc, Billy Dee Williams, and Sonya Eddy. In NS' debit column is the fact that only Patrick, Robin, and Epiphany are spinning off from GH (No Spinelli? Maxie?? Stone Cold???), the stand alone episodes (how will it distinguish itself from real hospital dramas like GREY'S ANATOMY?) and the heavy focus on Jagger, a character I have no knowledge of. Time will tell, I suppose.

THE END OF COCKBLOCKING?

Finally caught up tonight with Friday's episode of AS THE WORLD TURNS and was thrillled to see that next week Luke will actually attempt to have sex with Noah. Also loved the scene with Janet and Nuke -- I'm starting to think Julie Pinson is the best thing to hit Oakdale this year. For those who wish to keep score of the cockblocking, this episode cocks were blocked by a) Granma Emma's house "rules" and b) OMG! Mom's in the hospital! I think b) is a perfectly valid reason for sex not happening, but the continued adherence to a) is just daft -- even Janet pointed out that rules are meant to be broken!

COCKBLOCKER BLUES

AS THE WORLD TURNS was unbelievable today in regard to Luke and Noah's sex life (or lack thereof.) I can't believe these two would be willing to wait to have sex for the most flimsy of reasons -- they are living in the house of Luke's aunt, and she doesn't want hot, nasty gay teenage sex under her roof. Umm...don't they realize Emma is away? Jack and Janet did! And to overshare for a moment from my relevant experience -- during my college years my boyfriend and I let NOTHING stand in the way of having sex. We pushed dorm beds together. Oblivious straight dormmates of ours would knock on our door and we would lie there, giggling, pretending not to be there while we were really in bed together! It is just not realistic that Luke and Noah could be a couple for 3/4 of a year and not have had sex already!!!! Van Hansis has been very good at showing desire for Noah even with no dialogue. Let's see that desire fulfilled!

Rant over.

I only managed to put up with THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL for its first segment today, as Friday's promising cliffhanger was dully resolved. Nope, Katie's not stopping the wedding. She's just not reading the written vows and is improvising instead. Ah well at least Brandon Beemer is interacting with Felicia. I am feeling the chemistry!

I am finding it hard to fully concentrate on DAYS OF OUR LIVES lately. I liked the food fight between Nicole, Sami and Chloe. I like the streaks in Chelsea's hair. Ummmm....maybe I just need some more John Black and some kind of story for Nick, who is too cute to be relegated to friend-on-the-sideline status. I also don't want Nicole's alcoholism to be cured. I like Nicole drunk and crazy and quipping. And I'm not feeling any Doctor Daniel/Chelsea love. He is too old for her -- remember, he has now been established as having slept with her GRANDMOTHER! Maybe he should sleep with Chelsea's paternal granma too, and give Caroline some action now that Victor's bedridden!

GENERAL HOSPITAL and GUIDING LIGHT both had good stuff in them today, but were also plagued by recurring problems. Yep, there was more zaccharahing in GH. You can tell something is wrong when I have Maxie and Spinelli and I still change the channel!

GUIDING LIGHT had some terrific scenes with Reva, Josh and Jeffrey. I loved how Reva told Jeffrey immediately about kissing Josh. They are such a strong couple, even though Jeffrey must know Reva will always consider Josh the love of her life. On the down side, there were awful scenes concerning Ava and Bill. That bit with the pizza where Remy knows what Ava orders and Bill doesn't so Remy is the one for her -- give me a break! Pepperoni is so much better than a veggie special! I ate 4 slices of pepperoni pizza today! Bill, I will be happy to eat pizza with you anytime.

Tonight I actually left the house to see a revival screening of XANADU, which sadly does not live up to its reputation as a camp classic. What was really fun were the trailers shown to accompany the film, organized thematically to fit the movie. In the trailer for the 2000 film CENTER STAGE I saw Elizabeth Hubbard! I elbowed the Semi-Employed Boyfriend and freaked out! I've since looked our Lucinda Walsh up on IMDB and am thrilled to see that she's had a bit of a film career. I've seen her in I NEVER SANG FOR MY FATHER but I can't remember her in ORDINARY PEOPLE. She's also been in an episode of LAW & ORDER that I'm dying to see! Elizabeth Hubbard film festival, anyone?

I AM PORT CHARLES

Like the late, lamented GENERAL HOSPITAL spin-off, I too am only on once a week. No, not on Soapnet, but at the flower shop where I am now working one shift a week! That's OK with me, though, because I prefer to get my daily dose of drama from TV soaps and not from my workplace. Stay tuned as I send out resumes and catch up on my soap viewing...

THE PEAPACK REDEMPTION

From out of the depths of my DVR came Beth Ehlers' final episode of GUIDING LIGHT, wherein Harley makes her escape from the prison of Cameraphoned (TM) Springfield once and for all. We only watched the first segment before going to see WALL-E, but we were struck by two things.
1) G is incredibly annoying. He walks around like he's a huge piece of hotness when he is really a detestable little turd.
2) Cassie is an awful human being. Really, Cassie, what is the point of adding to Harley's troubles just so you can score against Cyrus? I wish Cassie would kill G and then get the electric chair, so GL could be rid of two characters who I defy anyone in the audience to care about.

I caught a little bit of MVP on Soapnet today as well. Devoid of context, it looks like a cheap-ass syndicated show that would air on MyNetwork TV. Placed in the context of oddly positive US press (SOAP OPERA DIGEST and THE NEW YORKER ((!!!)) both raved about it!) and ratings failure in MVP's home country of Canada (cancelled after ten episodes!), MVP is nothing but a curiousity, a third rate FOOTBALLERS WIVES that the American press is being inexplicably kind to. It doesn't really matter what I or anyone else thinks of MVP; it has already been terminated and arrives on Soapnet's shores dead in the water.

I also caught a little bit of THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS' Wednesday episode on Soapnet. I think Michael Graziadel was wearing red silk boxers before he made love to Amber. OH my. On a less salacious note, I am finding Elizabeth Hendrickson's Chloe to be just the thing to shake up Y&R's snoozy couples. Loved the scene where she explained that she can't take a booty call because she's preggers with Cane's baby -- it speaks volumes about Chloe's lifestyle and how it's now going to have to change. I was pleased as punch to see in last week's SOD that Elizabeth has "...recently inked a multiyear contract." She's too much fun to just be a recurring character.

THE DRAMA'S ALWAYS ON

...at my new job, if not on CBS Daytime. Will my soaps bring blessed relief from work stress?

I am completely fascinated by GUIDING LIGHT's Rob Bogue and Mandy Bruno. I watch their scenes as Mallet and Marina together, mumbling to myself "I can't believe they're an off-screen couple" and then seeing the evidence of their relationship play out before my eyes. The scene between them today as they discussed having a family of their own someday really had an extra resonance being played out by a real couple who, according to last week's SOAP OPERA DIGEST, "...have even talked about starting a family of their own." Plus, how nice is it to see a GL couple who are not boring and/or irritating? Bill/Lizzie and Reva/Jeffrey are the only other pairings exempt from the curse of Ellen Wheeler's Cameraphone (TM).

While I was watching GL, The Unemployed Boyfriend wandered by and asked why I wasn't looking at Spinelli. Ah, that is because when I turned on GENERAL HOSPITAL, all I saw were the Zaccharahs zaccharahing at each other. By 'zaccharahing' I refer to any scene where Trevor, Claudia and Anthony are all present, snarling and threatening meaninglessly. It's enough to send anyone to Peapack for the hour!

I watched some of THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS on Soapnet tonight, and was pleased to see Michael Grazadiel back from his break. I was even more pleased to see him with his shirt off. Even the tattoo on his back is hot! Unfortunately, cold water was dumped on my fiery ardor when the endless scenes of RESTLESS STYLE staff meetings were trotted out. Ya know, I had a stressful day at work and the last thing I want to see is other people's stressful day at work when I get home. I may not work for a glossy magazine but whether it's retail or an office, work is work. I've never seen UGLY BETTY but I have an ugly feeling that someone on the Y&R writing staff said "Hey, that's a popular show and it's about a fashion mag! If we turn Y&R into a show about a fashion mag viewers and advertising revenue will be ours!" Maybe the Y&R staff should have an actual meeting about their show instead of endless meetings IN their show!

"That's soooooo our song now."

I tell ya, if AS THE WORLD TURNS had ended the final Nuke scene today with a reprise of "True Colors" there wouldn't have been a dry eye in the house. Instead, there was a huge sigh of relief that Noah did not join the army. The last three episodes of ATWT have been spectacular for Nuke fans. Thursday's Cyndi Lauper-fest was fantastic. Kudos to Van Hansis for his acting all around but especially for his emoting while Cyndi sang. I'm going to chalk that up to Van's theatre experience, where he has to be seen in character even when he has no dialogue because he's on stage. Plus we got two (!) Nuke kisses! Friday's scenes of Holden and Luke just talking were unexpected and welcome. I have also enjoyed Jack getting his freak on with Janet, who is so much more fun than Carly. And I am surprised how much I've been rooting for Paul and Meg -- I really want them to be happy! ATWT isn't perfect -- Carly/Holden continued to be a dud and what was up with that poorly realized Hugh Grant wannabe today? -- but there is so much going on that is good I easily overlook the bad. Plus, this show knows how to use the long-term cast members. Barbara, Lisa, the Hughes and the Stewarts have all been getting juicy scenes. Now if Jean Passanante and Chris Goutman can give Elizabeth Hubbard something to do I'd be over the moon!

I wish I could be as positive about ATWT's lead-in, THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL. Katie and Bridget both being in love with Nick fails to convince. Even worse, I read in this week's SOAP OPERA DIGEST that B&B is being "revamped...in the name of appealing to a younger audience..." which I guess accounts for the plethora of establishing location shots today. Hey, Bell family -- you want to appeal to a younger audience? Stop the Nick/Bridget/Katie story NOW and concentrate on the fun characters -- Stephanie, Pam, Felicia! How about pairing all three of these mature ladies with Owen, who looks like he'd be all too happy to fleece a bunch of rich Forrester women? If you're going to introduce new, younger characters, pair them with veterans to keep the show recognizable, instead of pushing all your newbies to the forefront of the show.

Which is what I fear ALL MY CHILDREN is doing. I'm still seeing drunk NuColby, Dre and Cassandra. What I'm not seeing is any reason to care for them. (Though I care slightly for Cassandra, since I don't want her parents, Jesse and Angie, to be worried about her. Remember, when Darnell Williams cries, the world cries with him.) I am concerned about another upcoming newbie, a recast and maybe SORASed Petey Cortlandt. SOD mentions that Colby will not be glad to see him. Ummmm....why? WARNING: artificial backstory alert! If this turns out to be the summer of NuColby, Dre, Frankie, Cassandra, NuPetey and Randi I might just stick to CBS the hour of 12PM - 1PM.

This summer, I don't think I'll be switching off ONE LIFE TO LIVE. The show continues to be insanely exciting. Nora denouncing Lindsay had an unexpected payoff. Lindsay seemed sympathetic, while Nora became an unlikable, vengeful harpy in the eyes of her boyfriend, ex-husband and son. What an intriguing way to wrap up this story. I am also loving the twists and turns with Starr's baby, even though The Unemployed Boyfriend found it unconvincing that Cole would go to Todd, The Face Of Evil, for help. I think it's perfectly in character for Cole, who I think of as a total dipshit for not wearing a condom in the first place!!!

I still check into DAYS OF OUR LIVES as well. James Scott can have sex with me in the elevators of my broken down apartment building anytime, and not just because he looks good with his shirt off. Unlike Neil on ATWT today, EJ is totally believable as someone raised in the UK. Notice the way he pronounces garage and, again, I will point out the scene where EJ eats fish'n'chips the authentic way with salt and vinegar. I have been to the UK 5 times and, overall, the guys there are hot metrosexuals like EJ and not poncey weeds like the stereotype on today's ATWT. So hooray for James Scott and whoever steers EJ away from cultural stereotyping!

GENERAL HOSPITAL amused the hell out of me with the elaborate shenanigans that resulted in photos of Jax and Kate being taken that look like she's giving him a hummer! How on earth is GH going to refer to this storyline in the show? Can you even say "blowjob" on daytime TV? In a more serious storyline, The Unemployed Boyfriend and I were glued to our seats waiting for Lulu to kill Logan, who deserves death for hurting Maxie. Nor have I forgotten the episode where he beat up Spinelli and referred to him as a "little bitch." No, Logan, it is karma that is a bitch and right now that bitch is biting you in the ass.
Speaking of bitches, shouldn't Livia Soprano have popped up in today's episode to snark "Poor you!" at Claudia Zaccarah? God, what a whinger.

Despite poor directing, I was amused to see Reva's (apparently low, low, low budget) movie on GUIDING LIGHT with the changed ending so Josh chooses Reva over Cassie. I chortled at the lookalike playing Cassie in the movie, too. I still feel sorry for Caitlin Van Zandt as she is forced to enact idiotic stories for her character. Caitlin, please contact HBO. They had a hit with JOHN ADAMS and a GEORGE WASHINGTON miniseries must be in the works. You will be perfect as George's epileptic stepdaughter, Patsy. I do not mean that in a pejorative way. You are a real talent and you are wasted on Ellen Wheeler's Cameraphone (TM) when you should be seen in High Definition. Get out of Peapack, Caitlin!

ALL MY CHILDREN, ALL DAY LONG

Oddly, my day was structured so I wound up seeing the first half of AMC before going to work and the second half was on Soapnet when I came back from work. This had the odd effect of making it seem like my shift was some kind of hallucination taking place between commercials; a bad trip that lasted 8 hours. How does AMC hold up to such fragmentation? Well, Carmen's interplay with Adam was fun and Jesse is the man, even in a story as shrugworthy as Richie/Annie. (With Annie killing Richie, that's one down and hopefully one more to go...) On the negative side, the scenes with Cassie and Dre dealing with a drunken NuColby were awful, like scenes put on by your talentless classmates in undergrad drama class. I think Cassie is a bit better than the other newbies. If the writers are smart they'd give her more to do with momma Angie since Debbi Morgan always brings the best out in her fellow performers.

I saw the first segment of THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL as well and Brandon Beemer is back in the soap world, gorgeous as ever. Plus he already has his face and name in the opening credits -- way to go, Brandon, or more likely, Brandon's agent! Despite my initial hopes I am not getting a gay vibe from Brandon's character Owen, more like a skeezy (but hot) straight guy vibe. Still, that's good because it means women in THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL will now have someone to lust after who isn't a) vaguely related to them or b) Jack Wagner.

Saw the merest fragment of the opening to ONE LIFE TO LIVE, but I saw just enough to get excited at the prospect of McBain and Blair as a couple. Hmmmm...are we in for a couple switcheroo with John/Blair/Todd/Marty all switching partners? To go off on a tangent, I have to say again how perfect Susan Haskell would have been as Martha Byrne's replacement as Lily on AS THE WORLD TURNS. Watching Noelle Beck as Lily, you never believe this woman to be vulnerable. She looks hard as nails; if she can't get Holden, you bet she wouldn't give a fig! Susan Haskell is wonderfully fragile but still possessed of an approachability that I don't feel with Noelle Beck. Time to put on my Pollyanna cap now: if Susan was able to be lured back to OLTL after her character was poorly recast, surely the same can apply to Martha Byrne.

NO NUKE FOR ME

This picture of Van Hansis is the closest I'm gonna get to seeing Luke Snyder since I am now semi-employed and it sure is wrecking havoc with my soap viewing! 4 episodes of ATWT languish in my DVR. Beth Ehlers' last GUIDING LIGHT is also there, unwatched and unloved. I did manage to see the last bit of DAYS OF OUR LIVES today. While I am happy to see Chelsea's hair back to its normal fierce cut, her romance with the older Dr. Daniel is icky. I dig Dr.Daniel, but just not with Chelsea...plus, I think the writers have underestimated the viewers, who prefer Chelsea with Nick.

There were many charming Maxie/Spinelli scenes on GENERAL HOSPITAL today. I appreciated Maxie bringing Spinelli flowers, since I now work in a flower shop. It was like GH was acknowledging my new job! I enjoyed the notion of Leyla as Spinelli's new confidante. It would be fun to see her actually date him, as a way to give Spinelli the confidence to really go after Maxie.

I do find myself switching the channel over to GL, however, whenever Claudia or another Zaccharah besides Johnny makes an appearance. I just feel the fun being sucked out of the screen. While Sarah Brown is a good actress, Claudia doesn't work with any character -- except Spinelli, who disarms her creepiness with goofiness. I think the plan for Claudia was to pair her up with Sonny and when that didn't really take off (despite shoe fetish sex) the writers were at a loss as to what to do with her. Therefore, this sudden one-sided relationship with Stone Cold. I don't think there's room for another scheming woman in Port Charles; we already have Carly, Sam and Maxie. I dunno -- maybe Claudia can start a fashion mag for mob women called CEMENT SHOES.

So I switched over to GL to escape the Zaccarah woman and found myself watching the ridiculous scene where Lizzie slipped into Bill and Ava's wedding while crouching down behind other people entering, even though she was in full sight of the security guard. I am also annoyed at how GL continually refers to Jonathan and baby Sarah; all that does is remind me of how good the show used to be. Ellen Wheeler is probably hoping if she mentions Jonathan enough, Tom Pelphrey will come back. Don't hold your breath, Cameraphone (TM) girl!

HAS SOAP OPERA WEEKLY BEEN READING THIS BLOG?

I noticed in SOAP OPERA WEEKLY's current issue, under "Crazy Rumors Of The Week", it says that Marcus and Owen will be THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL's first gay characters. This is something I wrote about in my post on June 5, VOYAGE OF THE DAMNED. Maybe my other theories will hit the press as well and we'll get some behind-the-scenes shots of Ellen Wheeler holding a Cameraphone (TM) as she terrorizes the cast of GUIDING LIGHT!

I'm still enjoying the PORT CHARLES reruns on Soapnet, but damn -- 2 episodes a week of what was a daily soap are a slow trickle, indeed. ( A similar situation affects those watching EASTENDERS on American PBS, which shows 2 episodes a week of a 4 times a week show. Naturally, PBS can never catch up to current episodes, resulting in 5 year old EASTENDERS storylines slooooowly being played out.) Come on, Soapnet, run at least 5 episodes of PORT CHARLES a week and publicize it a little with commercials focusing on stars Thorsten Kaye and Michael Easton, who are the current leading men of ALL MY CHILDREN and ONE LIFE TO LIVE. It would be a shame to let this unique supernatural soap opera just fade away.

Trying to stay on top of AS THE WORLD TURNS, but only managed to choke down Thursday's DVRed episode tonight. The scenes at summer camp were TORTURE. Why is Sage singing "Good Morning Baltimore" from HAIRSPRAY when the zaftig Faith would be a more suitable choice? What was that song Faith and Natalie sang to each other and am I the only one who finds pubescent sisters singing a love song to each other gross? Why is the Jack and Carly pairing dead in the water? AAAAAARGHHHH
The episode was partly redeemed by an excellent scene where Janet and Jack talked to each other honestly like grown adults, but when I saw the coming attractions for Friday AGAIN highlighting only Holden/Carly and Brad/Janet/Jack/Liberty/Parker, I felt like deleting that show from my DVR. Where is Lucinda to sort everyone out? Why isn't Luke having heart-to-hearts with his parents or aunt at this awful time in his life? I stand by my suspicion that nobody in the ATWT writers' room is talking to anyone else.

EMPLOYED!

I start training for my new job as a florist on Monday! I guess all that WEEDS watching paid off...well, what does this mean for this blog? I won't change the title because there is still The Unemployed Boyfriend and I did get majorly into soaps while unemployed. My work schedule will be fluctuating, so I will catch soaps when I can and will always DVR AS THE WORLD TURNS!

Before I got called for an interview, I was watching ONE LIFE TO LIVE. Now I can't remember a single thing that happenned! As I was eating a late breakfast, I flipped between GENERAL HOSPITAL and GUIDING LIGHT. I am befuddled as to why GH introduced the Carly pregnancy story, only to drop it next week when Carly learns she isn't pregnant after all. What's the point of that?

Still, nothing on soaps is as pointless as GL. I don't care about G, even if they call him Grady. I hate Daisy -- what an insensitive little cow! This man killed her cousin and she's gaga for him to the point of running away? The only way to redeem this story is to kill G and make it a murder mystery. The only enjoyment I get out of GL is watching barely rehearsed actors squinting and trying to say their lines in blazing East Coast sunshine! Doesn't Ellen Wheeler know how miserable a New Jersey summer is? Hot, humid and hazy! Get ready for a summer of sweaty, miserable Spauldings, Lewises and Coopers!

DON'T FIRE NOAH!

Due to insomnia, zonkiness from the Los Angeles heatwave and watching too much WEEDS, I am a bit behind in my ATWT viewing. Late last night The Unemployed Boyfriend and I watched Tuesday's and Wednesday's episodes, and were startled by how bad the show can be one day (Tuesday's Holden/Carly/Lily snorefest mixed with crazy chick Sofie overload) and so damn good the other day (Wednesday's Nuke and Alison/Chris courtroom drama.) My gut instinct? ATWT has a writer's room that is not talking to each other. Time to go on a company retreat and learn some team-building skills, people!
One dead-on detail in Wednesday's episode earned my kudos. Noah is leaving work at Java to go to the police station and gets SNARKED AT BY HIS SUPERVISOR. Sadly, this is an all too true reflection of retail life. Shit will be going down, people can die, and your supervisor will STILL say you're leaving them in a bind. I wonder who wrote this one and where did they work during college?

I was intrigued by DAYS OF OUR LIVES today since John now has that memory disk in his possession. I really hope that while his memories get restored, his personality does not, because Drake Hogestyn is much more exciting as this incarnation of John than as the monotonous, goody-goody prior personality. I am also curious about what went down, exactly, between Nicole and Trent. Nice to see Arianne Zuker do more than comedy,too.

ONE LIFE TO LIVE scored with Nash's funeral today; I liked how Jess dragged Natalie and Jared over to the coffin to get a look at Nash's broken, torn body that they couldn't have an open casket funeral for. The ending Nash montage was well done, too. There was also some prime comic relief as Tina's dog bit Kevin Spirtas' hand and scampered away after being threatened at gunpoint! Run DavidVickers run!

GENERAL HOSPITAL has got to do something with the Zaccharas, because every time they appear the fun gets sucked out of the screen. Really, is there any reason why Anthony or Claudia Zacchara is still alive, let alone their lawyer Trevor? Especially after Anthony threatened Alexis' daughter today -- there is no way a potential child-killer can be a "fun" villain that we want to watch. GH should cut their losses with this family and have them blown up by Jerry Jax. Think of how grateful Alexis would be to Jerry for getting rid of the threat to her family -- then she would have a readymade defense for sleeping with a known terrorist!

I'M GOING TO HELL

THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS managed to engage me at the midpoint -- and lost me by the commercial break, causing me to switch to ALL MY CHILDREN. Y&R had a short but promising scene between Kay, Amber and Jill that could have kept me watching if the scene hadn't switched to Lily's birthday party, wherein an angelic child sang a birthday song of her own composition to Lily so Y&R wouldn't have to pay the rights to the Happy Birthday To You song. ( I know about this from an episode of the late, lamented SPORTS NIGHT!) Guys, unless there's some drama going on, a birthday party for someone you don't know or care about is boring.

Not to say AMC was all that today, but at least Angie and Jesse were in it. I liked seeing Jesse bust that pimp; more of Jesse cleaning up Pine Valley, please. I am sick of Opal going on about her Tarot cards, though. The Death card actually does not mean physical death. It refers to a way of life changing or an old way of doing things ending. Therefore, Opal snarling that death is at Richie's door is just nonsense.

ONE LIFE TO LIVE and DAYS OF OUR LIVES continue to fight each other for my attention, and I had to stay with OLTL for Nash's funeral. From looking at the show only, it appears that Jessica will forgive Nash and Natalie (and we will all cry) but then you see the previews and commercials and BOOM! HERE COMES TESS WITH A VENGEANCE! This is good for longterm viewers who remember that it was Tess and Nash who were the best couple on OLTL before Tess was integrated into Jess, but troubling for new viewers (like the Unemployed Boyfriend) who see it as a melodramatic twist to a realistically painful storyline. I say jury's out for now, but part of me likes seeing Natalie get punished a bit...I still remember how awful she was to Jess when she was played by Erin Torpey and Brandon Routh was her boyfriend!

I'm going to hell for saying this, but the autistic kid story on DOOL is just not very good. It has the air of a PSA about it. I know this story is personal for the head writer, but it's a dead end for Abe, Lexie and their son Theo. Look at how AMC's autistic character, Lily, could not be paired with anyone, so they created a twin character, Ava, that was not autistic so they could hook her up with everyone and it was such a mess that both characters were written out (with Ava just vanishing since she was so unpopular.) This is autistic Theo's future: no story, no romance, nothing except preaching about autism. And DOOL's viewers don't like being preached at; SOAP OPERA WEEKLY pointed out that the week the Brady pub went green, the ratings fell. Of course autism is an important topic but I don't think an escapist soap like DOOL is the right place to explore the subject.

In fact, wouldn't a medically based show like GENERAL HOSPITAL or spinoff NIGHT SHIFT be able to tell a better story about autism? What if Carly's baby turned out to be autistic? How would this sometimes unlikable woman react? Would she be furious that one son is in a coma while another has a disability? Who would Carly want to be a father to this child -- mobster Sonny or businessman Jax? See, an autistic story on GH could actually open up a whole bunch of different stories while the autistic story on DOOL is a non-starter, formulated only because ..."we had been looking for something substantial for Abe and Lexie, anyway." (Head Writer Dena Higley, SOAP OPERA DIGEST, 7/1/08, p.10)