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My head is starting to hurt keeping DAYS OF OUR LIVES' baby drama straight  -- whose baby is whose and who has whose baby?  I saw a spoiler on the new cover of SOAP OPERA DIGEST that promises to either simplify matters or make things even more convoluted!

Speaking of plot twists, I am loving the return of Constance Towers as Helena to GENERAL HOSPITAL.  I love even more that Rebecca is NOT in cahoots with her!  My SOD INSIDER revealed who she is in cahoots with, leading me to utter a melodramatic, queeny shriek that startled The Boyfriend.  Also of note is the relationship between Claudia and Michael.  Even though she is an evil, manipulative cow I actually found myself warming up to Claudia for the first time as she grew closer to Sonny's son.  Is Sarah Brown playing the subtext that as Claudia loses her relationship with her brother Johnny she is gaining a kind of brother in Michael?  I think she is.

GUIDING LIGHT continues to be viewed only in GH's commercials, because I can't take a whole hour in Springfield nowadays.  The way of filming everything is so flat that a potentially exciting scene like Bill's arrest at the climax of today's episode only looks stagy and fake.  I will be watching this show more closely when Tom Pelphrey returns but even then I might just fast-forward to his scenes.  And if I feel this way and I like, often have loved, GL, how does the casual viewer feel when presented with this poor looking show as they flip channels?  GL could have the best story in the world but if the surface is so uninviting viewers are not going to make an effort to get involved in this world.  I genuinely hope other soaps learn lessons from the fatal cost cutting measures GL undertook to save their show, which only ended up destroying it.

MASONRY

Watching ONE LIFE TO LIVE recently has brought back many happy memories of Forbes March (pictured) as Nash, since Jessica was staying with Nash's parents and flashing back to the birth of their child.  I am thrilled that he is joining AS THE WORLD TURNS as Mason, Noah's gay college advisor.  I hope the show makes good use of him!

In theory, I should be loving Rafe and Sami on DAYS OF OUR LIVES as much as the fans and critics do, but I'm just not feeling it.  I think I resent the way that their scenes together scream LOVE THIS NEW SUPERCOUPLE!  Or I might just like Sami better with EJ or Lucas.

I do like Drew Garrett as the SORASed Michael on GENERAL HOSPITAL.  He might just be neck-and-neck with Mick Hazen as Parker on ATWT for the coveted title of Angriest Teen On Daytime With A Woman Named Carly As Their Mother.  Today's episode was also good for giving Alexis something to do and giving her a flirtation with Mark Pinter's character.  Have I mentioned as yet the gorgeousness of the new sets in eye popping High Definition?  The new nurse's station looks like it goes on for miles and miles.  I look forward to the next ball or party in Port Charles!

It is hard for me to summon up any enthusiasm for the dying, camera-phoned GUIDING LIGHT.  From scene to scene it is choppy, verging on the unwatchable.  The bits of it I saw today were only viewed during the commercials for GH.  I wonder if there's any chance that for its last week or so, GL could go back to full studio filming?

FASTER NOAH KILL KILL

The 4/28/09 episode of AS THE WORLD TURNS has one gobsmacking scene where Noah grabs Zoe's head BETWEEN HIS LEGS in order to prevent her from raping his boyfriend. (!!!!)  The violent side of my nature also enjoyed Damien threatening Zoe and Zac with a gun, and wishing he had shot up those fun lovin' criminals so they resembled swiss cheese.

NOT EXACTLY TARANTINO

In the midst of the luridly entertaining AS THE WORLD TURNS episode of 4/27/09, Luke tries to keep Noah conscious by getting Noah to tell him about what sounds suspiciously like Andy Warhol's EMPIRE, even though Luke refers to the Sears building.  What utter rubbish.  Noah would not bring this home to show Luke; it has been clearly established that Noah is a fan of classic Hollywood movies and that his favorite film is THE BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES.  If my film major boyfriend was about to pass out and I needed to keep him awake, making him recount the story of William Wyler's enthralling masterpiece is a much healthier choice than reciting twaddle about Warhol.  But what do I expect from a plot in which absolutely no character is using common sense?  Instead of all this running around aimlessly, what is surely needed is an angry Lily with a gun -- shooting her son's kidnappers and FUCKING SOME SHIT UP.

ONE TREE HELL

Starting next week, I will no longer be watching Soap Net with my breakfast on Saturday morning, but will be reading a good book instead.  This is due to the aggressively mediocre ONE TREE HILL, a show so bland and generic I literally can not stand the sight of it anymore.

One show I will be watching more of is THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS.  Friday's twist in the episode's closing moments was so simple, yet brilliant and suggestive, that when The Boyfriend came home I sat him down, rewound the DVR and made him watch it.  I did have to explain it to him afterwards, but there is nothing wrong with a show digging into its history to enrich current storylines.  Bravo to whoever is responsible for digging up that clip of Cane and connecting it to Philip!

Regular readers of this blog will know our travails in trying to keep up with AS THE WORLD TURNS.  We watched the episodes from 4/16 and 17 today from out of the depths of our DVR and holy shit -- is Julie Pinson good or what?!?  For my money, there can not be enough scenes of Janet telling Carly off, nor enough of Jack reminding Carly that she abandoned her children for Simon Fraser.  (The latter is another splendid example of soaps using past history to add layers to present story.)  I wish all of ATWT was as brilliant, but if I see another scene of Paul and Meg together continuing their torturous, sadomasochistic-but-not-in-a-good-way relationship, I'm gonna scream.  Or at least read some more of a good book.

WHO WILL DIE ON ALL MY CHILDREN?

I reckon it will be Ryan, because Cameron Mathison has received more exposure from DANCING WITH THE STARS and has seen his hosting duties increase elsewhere.  Plus, everyone seems to hate Ryan being paired with Kendall, so it seems logical for AMC to cut their losses with this character.

I was stuck in ONE LIFE TO LIVE prom land today, what with this afternoon's episode and the musical episode from 2 years ago that Soap Net reran Sunday.  (Though, typically, it was a special 2 part event and Soap Net only ran one part.)  The Pussycat Dolls' English language rendition of "Jai Ho" was horrid, but at least it was limited to the prom so we didn't have to witness Dorian and Vicki pretending to get down to those cheesy skanks.

DAYS OF OUR LIVES entertained me with the scenes between Nicole and Sami.  Their current predicament is so bizarre.  Nicole has Sami's baby but Sami doesn't know it.  Sami has what she thinks is her baby but is actually Mia's but she is passing it off as someone else's.  Nicole knows Sami is lying about her (Sami's) baby but she won't say anything because she (Nicole) wants to hold onto her (Sami's) baby.  So both women are playing a dangerous game which can play out for years if we are unlucky.

Writing that down exhausted me.  I must mention how fabulous GENERAL HOSPITAL looks in High Definition, and how awful GUIDING LIGHT looks in lower-than-low definition.  Did you notice that GL did not obstruct the Abercrombie & Fitch logo on James' jacket?  Could this be because GL forces the actors to wear those own clothes to shooting and the performers don't want their clothes destroyed by gaffing tape?

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

To celebrate Mother's Day, here is a picture of Carol Potter as Cindy Walsh, mom to Brenda and Brandon Walsh in the early, good, charming years of BEVERLY HILLS 90210.  Give me down-to-earth-but-cool Cindy to GOSSIP GIRL's scheming, manipulative, selfish Lily any day!                         

How weird is it that tonight's GG is a backdoor pilot to a LILY spin-off? What  odd apres Mother's Day viewing for a nation of teen girls probably forced to spend time with their Moms the day before.  I think the producers' desire to do an eighties era John Hughes movie (complete with Andrew McCarthy!) every week will be awkward, but I'll reserve full judgement until I see the thing.