LEMON COUPLE?

In the current issue of SOAP OPERA DIGEST Carolyn Hinsey refers to the "lemon couples" of ALL MY CHILDREN: Brot/Natalia, JR/Marissa, Erica /Ryan and...Adam/Annie. REALLY? I dig Adam and Annie a lot -- a crazy old bastard paired with a young psycho, both played by great actors, makes for riveting viewing. If this pairing is a lemon, then it must be lemonade! (I can't believe I just wrote that.)

While I'm on the subject of SOD columnists, I read with interest Mala Bhattacharjee's blog where she expressed dismay at a South Asian actor appearing on THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL ...as a cab driver. Being half South Asian myself, I agree that there are much better roles for South Asian actors in soaps and TV, in general. For example, many South Asians work in the medical profession and that needs more representation now that ER is over. Also, 97% of South Asian women are beautiful and would seem a natural choice for soaps. I mostly appreciate color blind casting, where a person's ethnicity has nothing to do with the role, like Rekha Sharma in BATTLESTAR GALACTICA and V. More along those lines, please!

DAYS OF OUR LIVES continued to astonish. The confrontation in jail between Mia and Nicole was great because Mia said EVERYTHING you wanted to say to Nicole, and did NOT let up. "You're a MONSTER!" she wailed. I know the actress who plays Mia is like, 3 or something, but she rocked!

I also watched ONE LIFE TO LIVE, which showed off the chemistry between McBain and Natalie to good effect, and GENERAL HOSPITAL, where James Franco made his first appearance to the tune of MAD WORLD while wearing a hoodie. Very DONNIE DARKO.

GOODBYE TO PHIL?

It looks like Thom Bierdz is on his way out of THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS, if today's episode was any indication. I think that would be a real shame, as a romance between Philip and Rafe seems a no-brainer to me.

I am enjoying seeing Sarah Brown on THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL. Am I the only one who remembers how good she was on AS THE WORLD TURNS as Julia, an ordinary woman who nonetheless managed to bed both Jack and Holden and had the whole town gunning for her as a result? While on the subject of Julia, are ATWT viewers ever going to see Julia's son JJ again or is he stuck in the limbo of soap boarding school?

ALL MY CHILDREN continues to annoy and delight in equal doses. I like the Annie/Adam dynamic very much -- the rest, meh, especially Erica/Ryan, who I don't think anyone wants to see together! The Retired Mom called me up all frantic with worry that AMC's upcoming move to Los Angeles meant all her favorites leaving the cast. I hastened to reassure her that she's only losing Thorsten Kaye, but she wasn't having any of it. "What about Kendall?" "She's staying." "But she had a baby!" "She's on maternity leave." "Well, what about Tad? And Cameron?"and so on. I'm actually only checking out AMC lately since I read in SOAP OPERA DIGEST that Nancy Opel has joined the cast as the Chandler cook. This year I saw Nancy in her triple role onstage in THE TOXIC AVENGER and I can not wait to see her inject some levity into this show!

DAYS OF OUR LIVES was amazing. I was utterly gripped by the whole Nicole baby mess and entertained by the lighter storyline involving Carly and Vivian.

I also watched ONE LIFE TO LIVE -- Brian Kerwin was excellent today, but I didn't like how Natalie was going on about Jared keeping mints on his person at all times and how she loved it because that was BULLSHIT. When the frak did Natalie and Jared ever have these conversations? The writers shouldn't make up personal details for characters that weren't established onscreen beforehand.

GENERAL HOSPITAL was intriguing, but I had to cut my viewing short to go to work on my day off for a health benefits meeting. Hooray for job benefits, but universal health care for all can not come soon enough.

OW

My head is starting to hurt keeping DAYS OF OUR LIVES' baby drama straight  -- whose baby is whose and who has whose baby?  I saw a spoiler on the new cover of SOAP OPERA DIGEST that promises to either simplify matters or make things even more convoluted!

Speaking of plot twists, I am loving the return of Constance Towers as Helena to GENERAL HOSPITAL.  I love even more that Rebecca is NOT in cahoots with her!  My SOD INSIDER revealed who she is in cahoots with, leading me to utter a melodramatic, queeny shriek that startled The Boyfriend.  Also of note is the relationship between Claudia and Michael.  Even though she is an evil, manipulative cow I actually found myself warming up to Claudia for the first time as she grew closer to Sonny's son.  Is Sarah Brown playing the subtext that as Claudia loses her relationship with her brother Johnny she is gaining a kind of brother in Michael?  I think she is.

GUIDING LIGHT continues to be viewed only in GH's commercials, because I can't take a whole hour in Springfield nowadays.  The way of filming everything is so flat that a potentially exciting scene like Bill's arrest at the climax of today's episode only looks stagy and fake.  I will be watching this show more closely when Tom Pelphrey returns but even then I might just fast-forward to his scenes.  And if I feel this way and I like, often have loved, GL, how does the casual viewer feel when presented with this poor looking show as they flip channels?  GL could have the best story in the world but if the surface is so uninviting viewers are not going to make an effort to get involved in this world.  I genuinely hope other soaps learn lessons from the fatal cost cutting measures GL undertook to save their show, which only ended up destroying it.

VIVA ALLEY MILLS!

How great was Alley Mills on THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL today?  It's tricky to get all dramatic when you're playing a comedic character but Alley pulled it off.  I felt so sorry for Pam!  Plus, Stephanie becomes 100% more likable when defending her sister.

THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS was also very good.  I enjoyed seeing Ely Pouget as Kay's doctor.  She was one of the stars of the short-lived '90s revival of DARK SHADOWS and also appeared in LA TAKEDOWN, Michael Mann's TV movie trial run for HEAT.  Hooray for surviving the '90s!

ALL MY CHILDREN was not so hot.  Despite interesting new characters like Taylor and Brot, Chuck Pratt's take on Pine Valley has amounted to a big heap of nothing.  I don't care about Zach and Kendall nor do I find it believable that Krystal would be so taken in by David.  Don't get me started on the travesty of Bianca and Reese and how daytime's first lesbian marriage was completely undone by having Reese kiss Zach the day before the wedding! 

ONE LIFE TO LIVE continues to thrive.  The way the plots intersect is ingenious and it's nice to see a show that makes room for fun supporting characters like Moe and Noelle while strengthening new characters like Ray and Stacy.  I am starting to see some serious chemistry between Dorian and Ray that I hope they run with!

DAYS OF OUR LIVES continues to be a bit meh.  Now that Sami is back in town and I've got a chance to see her interact with the 3 men in her life, I'm going to say Lucas is the man for her.  Alison Sweeney and Bryan Datillo are doing a very good job of interacting with the SORASed Will, who is certainly better looking than the old Will but hasn't quite convinced me yet that he is Sami and Lucas' offspring.

Speaking of unconvincing offspring, I have the ghastly feeling that Ethan on GENERAL HOSPITAL will be revealed as the son of Holly and/or Robert Scorpio in a blatant attempt to curry audience affection.  I'm not liking this "lovable scoundrel" one bit; he's not attractive or charming despite everyone on screen telling us he is!  He looks like a bad carbon copy of Tom Pelphrey.  In fact, could Ethan have been the role on GH that Tom Pelphrey was rumored to be up for, as hinted in SOAP OPERA DIGEST?  It would explain Ethan's look and bad boy behavior, which would seem tailor made for Tom -- who could actually have pulled this character off.

LOVED Olivia and Natalia on GUIDING LIGHT today!  Their scenes are so full of believable awkwardness and tension.  Curious to see how much Doris' newly exposed lesbianism will impact the rest of the show -- how about some emotional scenes with her daughter Ashlee, played by the fabulous but underused Caitlin Van Zandt?

Inspired by a new book by Jeff Thompson , THE TELEVISION HORRORS OF DAN CURTIS, I watched an episode of DARK SHADOWS for the first time in many, many months.  It was the second episode of the series and the biggest giggles came from Joan Bennett traipsing around her mansion at all hours of the night, in full evening gown and pearls.  She didn't so much project class as daftness, especially with the implication that she cooks everyone's meals and does the household chores in the same outfit!

LESBIANS AND LOST

The powers that be have really got to stop pushing Reese and Zach together on ALL MY CHILDREN.  How many times does Reese or Zach have to get upset and hug or kiss each other just as Bianca walks in?  I am sick of it!

DAYS OF OUR LIVES is an odd show to watch right now.  With Drake Hogestyn and Deidre Hall's days (ho, ho) numbered, the show makes for uneasy viewing.  John and Marlena are what DOOL is about!  There is some comfort to be had from the show's other veteran supercouples.  Bo and Hope had some good scenes today just chatting about how hard it is to make time to be with each other.  Good, non-melodramatic character stuff.

I was amused by the faux-lesbian kiss on GUIDING LIGHT.  I found Natalia's scene with Emma's teacher, explaining that she and Olivia are not a couple but that doesn't make them any less of a family, to be surprisingly moving.  In fact, I think this is the first time EVER that I've found Jessica Leccia warm and appealing!  Unfortunately, it seems to me that GL is trying to have its cake and eat it, too.  They can have Jessica and Crystal Chappell's chemistry as a couple without having to take the step of making them a sexual couple and enraging homophobes.  Look here Ellen Wheeler -- take the Lesbian Leap.  Your show's only getting 1.4 million viewers!  How could making Olivia and Natalia actual lesbians actually hurt the show?

On the other side of my remote that hour was GENERAL HOSPITAL.  So, how dead is Leyla now that she's found happiness with an off-screen fiance?  I see on the SOAP OPERA DIGEST website that Nadine is off as well, even though she claims she won't be engulfed in the balls of flame set to destroy the nurses' station.  I'll be watching, mental fire extinguisher at my side.

My non-soap viewing tonight was the season premiere of LOST, featuring the ubiquitous ex-NEIGHBOURS actor Alan Dale.  I've mentioned him before on this blog, so suffice to say how good he is at playing evil businessmen with a minimum of screen time that cast a shadow over their entire show.  Alan is such a reliable corporate baddie, I fully expect to see him pop up in every show I watch, one time or the other.  Has he met with the producers of MAD MEN or 30 ROCK yet?

DISAPPOINTMENTS AND GLORIES

We are still incredibly behind in our AS THE WORLD TURNS viewing, with tonight's episode being from October 29!! It was a strong episode, but I was disappointed to see Alison become a victim of Evil Rapey Frat Boys. When they cornered her with evidence of her porn star past and demanded she strip, Alley Cat should have shown her claws, spit in their faces and FUCKED THEIR SHIT UP!!! Sorry, seeing strong women humiliated is not my idea of entertainment. Seeing strong women kick ass is! This storyline can still be redeemed if Alison gets some kind of revenge or justice.

One storyline that I fear can not be redeemed is the character assassination of Nick on DAYS OF OUR LIVES. Now he's a stalker? And if you read the spoilers in this week's SOAP OPERA DIGEST, a killer?? Usually when a dull character has run out of story, they turn psycho (recent examples being AMC's Annie and ATWT's Sofie.) However, Nick has loads of story potential including the possibility of a reunion with Chelsea. Why waste Blake Berris this way?

One actress not being wasted is Tamara Braun. (As seen up and to the left!) From out of the depths of my DVR came last Friday's AMC, in which Reese proposed to Bianca! It was wonderful and romantic, but somewhat bittersweet in the light of Prop 8 banning gay marriage being passed in California this week. It also sucks that GREY'S ANATOMY's Brooke Smith, who plays a lesbian, has been fired from that show. So bravo to AMC for showing two fabulous actresses playing two women who are in a committed relationship and love each other. Extra kudos for advertising Tamara Braun's return and the proposal so heavily and forthrightly -- no shame over lesbian content here, unlike in the production offices of GREY'S ANATOMY.

Another actress not being wasted is Jeanne Cooper, giving a real good show as Kay and Marge on THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS. I like the Paris remote, too, especially in HD. The only thing I take issue with is Noah describing Paris as "sick", meaning really, really cool. No teenager talks like that. The only other time I've heard "sick" as a positive term was in ONE LIFE TO LIVE, uttered by Marco. I think some soap writers' kids are taking the piss. How's that for authentic slang, soap writers?

PIMPS, NERDS AND PSYCHOS

ALL MY CHILDREN and THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL competed for my attention when I woke up, and B&B won because you just can not stop watching when Crazy Pam is on the loose. I am happy to see her terrorize and then have her behavior blamed on her medication ad infinitum, as long as we get to keep Alley Mills around!

AMC was not that interesting from what I saw. Kris Eivers' overacting as Randi's pimp irritated me, so I'm glad to read in SOAP OPERA DIGEST that Taylor is going to kill him! I am also irritated by NuPetey Cortland, a ripoff of Spinelli from GENERAL HOSPITAL (mannerisms, storyline) and Nick from DAYS OF OUR LIVES (he is actually very pretty for a nerd!) The Unemployed Boyfriend seemed somewhat taken with Petey, which I will interpret as a compliment to my geeky self.

AS THE WORLD TURNS continues to annoy with any storyline involving Parker and Liberty. I think it is time to ship them off to boarding school so the wonderful pairing of Jack and Janet can really have room to breathe. And I'm saying this even though I LIKE Mick Hazen and Meredith Hagner! It's just their plots that drain the life from the adult characters on the show. The return of James Stenbeck is shaping up to be great fun, though. Has he REALLY come back just to eat Paul's sandwiches and drink his wine?? The shot of him sneaking in to get the rest of his meal while Paul comforted Meg was very, very funny. More of that and less of Brad flying off the handle, please.

This is the first time I've been able to catch GH since Genie Francis returned and while it's great to see Laura again...is her entire story going to have her stuck in a room listening to Lulu whine? On a more positive note, how appropiate that Spinelli will daydream of Leyla kicking ass ala Emma Peel. If there's anything Spinelli and I have in common, it is the Diana Rigg AVENGERS megaset being in our DVD collections!

DOOL featured Blake Berris looking really, really cute in his white jacket. He is also looking very adorable wearing nothing but red Barack Obama underpants(!) in this week's SOD. I like Blake/Nick so much I am not even going to complain that DOOL is ripping off GOSSIP GIRL with Melanie and her potential romance with him, which is a bit reminiscent of GG's Serena and Dan. XOXO

THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS is REALLY good nowadays. It is so good that it is even gripping in the crappy Standard Def broadcasts of SoapNet, so strong is the writing and characterization. I like the pairing of Cane and Chloe a lot. I sense a growing attraction between them that could lead to a more complex pairing than Cane and Lily ever were. Don't Cane and Chloe have more in common than they realize? Both are working their way up from crappy working class backgrounds to the good life, any way they can get it. Let's remember that Cane was as shady as Chloe when first introduced. And whoever thought up the upcoming revelation that Chloe is Esther's daughter is a GENIUS!! I'm going to give Hogan Sheffer credit for that one until proven otherwise.

GOOD RIDDANCE TO CAROLYN HINSEY

Just got the new SOAP OPERA DIGEST, saw Carolyn Hinsey's moronic comments on AS THE WORLD TURNS, and screamed my head off being glad she got fired! "I didn't even try to watch the ATWT episodes I missed. Wake me when the story of poison bracelets and watches and perfume is over." For one thing, those episodes rocked! They gave our veterans stuff to do, were a great excuse to bring back the deliciously evil Rick Decker and gave us hot views of Billy Magnusson and Dylan Bruce with their shirts off. And for another thing -- if you are writing a column for a soap magazine, watch ALL the damn shows! If you are editor of ANOTHER soap magazine published by the same company, then it's your FRIGGIN' JOB to watch all the shows! Plus, I just know I read in her anti-Emmy rant that Carolyn claimed to be a better judge than the Emmy board because she watched every show, day in, day out. Well, I guess she really didn't. What a lousy, lazy critic. I actually used to really enjoy her columns but I have no respect for her now.

Hey. It's not only my opinion.

VAGUELY SOAPY EMPLOYMENT!

I am thrilled to announce that tomorrow I begin full time employment with full benefits at a local art museum! Appropiately, it is the same museum that Victor and Sabrina went to in THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS in March, IIRC -- think "street lamp installation" if you have a hard time remembering!

Speaking of Y&R, I caught the last half of the show this morning and had "Signed, Sealed, Delivered" stuck in my head all day even though I hate Devon and am confused by his InstaFamily. Does it make any dramatic difference that Ana is Yolanda's daughter and not Tyra's? What concerns me more is the question of whether Jana still works at Sabrina's art museum. Am I now Jana?!?

I was pleased to Beth Ehlers in uniform on ALL MY CHILDREN today and happy at the potential of scenes between her, Jesse and Angie. As Beth is ushered in, I hope AMC continues to cut the dead weight that make me switch channels to THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL. Very glad to read in SOAP OPERA DIGEST that Cassandra and Samuel are gone, baby, gone!

I would love to write all night about today's viewing but I watched loads o'soap today and have got to get to bed soon! So here's a quick rundown:

I like Marcus and Steffy on B&B a lot, so you see? New characters or recasts can be good! Just usually not on AMC! ONE LIFE TO LIVE amuses me with their DONNIE DARKO-esque time travel storyline, while any scene between Ilene Kristen and Brian Kerwin is just pure gold. DAYS OF OUR LIVES had Stefano terrorizing everybody, and it made for some good viewing. Scream Anna DiMera scream! GENERAL HOSPITAL had some good Maxie/Spinelli scenes, but too much Zaccharing and Lulu whining led me back to Springfield, which had some really good Reva/Alan/Lizzie material. Caught up with the last two episodes of GOSSIP GIRL reruns, which were the best I've seen yet -- Jake Silbermann had a nice walk-on and Eric was memorably outed by uber-bitch Georgina. Also caught up with Tuesday's and Wednesday's AS THE WORLD TURNS. Tuesday's was a small masterpiece. I think other shows should look at that episode to see domestic soap at its best. Wednesday's was unintentionally hilarious becasue The Unemployed Boyfriend and I feel so sorry for Neal because Carly keeps giving him the runaround, but we think the actor is AWFUL. This leads to us screeching 'CAAAAAARRLLLLYYYY' at each other for about an hour. Sorry, Michael E. Rodgers, we know you're trying your best as Neal!

You know you love me.
xoxo

COCKBLOCKING IS BETTER THAN CROTCH SCRATCHING

Thursday's episode of AS THE WORLD TURNS was surprisingly credible, even though my brain will not stop saying WHY ARE NUKE NOT HAVING SEX??!! I think it helped things to have Luke and Noah actually talk about it instead of dodging the issue. Van and Jake worked hard to sell it. Hopefully when they DO have sex it'll be romantic and special, and not the trauma-induced grief sex Noah fears it will be.

On NIGHT SHIFT our new gay character Dr Kyle Julian was introduced explaining to instant BFF Dr. Claire that he hasn't scratched his crotch once all day! And she couldn't figure out from that he's gay?!? I admit that I am so hungry for gay representation on soaps that I will watch NIGHT SHIFT every week, even though Dr Kyle looks like he's going to be celibate -- see SOAP OPERA DIGEST 8/5/08 p.62 "...dealing with his nonexistent love life..." Man, I thought the sexless gay best friend was out of fashion, with the recentish end of WILL AND GRACE being the final nail in that particular coffin. Oh, and NS without Stone Cold, Spinelli and Maxie is not enough to keep the Semi-Employed Boyfriend rooted to the couch. I think he lasted 25 minutes and came back on my insistence to see Dr Kyle come out. Lesson to be learned here? Don't downplay the regulars in favor of newbies unless the newbies are damn interesting.

I much prefer GENERAL HOSPITAL's previous spin-off, PORT CHARLES. In fact watching an episode today featuring Kent Masters King as sexy werewolf Imani, I was reminded how one of the pleasures of the first season of NS was seeing a greater role for King's GH character, Lainey. The stuff with her dying dad and her unusual realtionship with psycho vet Cody really gave Kent strong material that she has never got on GH. Wouldn't NS be more fun if it took minor GH characters and fleshed them out? Doesn't every GH viewer want to see more Diane, Max or Milo? NS could also have taken GH characters like Monica and Bobbie who don't have storyline on GH and given them something to do at night -- they could do anything since they have no daytime continuity to conflict with! Instead of bringing back Robert and Jagger, why not work with what you already have?

THE PEAPACK REDEMPTION

From out of the depths of my DVR came Beth Ehlers' final episode of GUIDING LIGHT, wherein Harley makes her escape from the prison of Cameraphoned (TM) Springfield once and for all. We only watched the first segment before going to see WALL-E, but we were struck by two things.
1) G is incredibly annoying. He walks around like he's a huge piece of hotness when he is really a detestable little turd.
2) Cassie is an awful human being. Really, Cassie, what is the point of adding to Harley's troubles just so you can score against Cyrus? I wish Cassie would kill G and then get the electric chair, so GL could be rid of two characters who I defy anyone in the audience to care about.

I caught a little bit of MVP on Soapnet today as well. Devoid of context, it looks like a cheap-ass syndicated show that would air on MyNetwork TV. Placed in the context of oddly positive US press (SOAP OPERA DIGEST and THE NEW YORKER ((!!!)) both raved about it!) and ratings failure in MVP's home country of Canada (cancelled after ten episodes!), MVP is nothing but a curiousity, a third rate FOOTBALLERS WIVES that the American press is being inexplicably kind to. It doesn't really matter what I or anyone else thinks of MVP; it has already been terminated and arrives on Soapnet's shores dead in the water.

I also caught a little bit of THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS' Wednesday episode on Soapnet. I think Michael Graziadel was wearing red silk boxers before he made love to Amber. OH my. On a less salacious note, I am finding Elizabeth Hendrickson's Chloe to be just the thing to shake up Y&R's snoozy couples. Loved the scene where she explained that she can't take a booty call because she's preggers with Cane's baby -- it speaks volumes about Chloe's lifestyle and how it's now going to have to change. I was pleased as punch to see in last week's SOD that Elizabeth has "...recently inked a multiyear contract." She's too much fun to just be a recurring character.

THE DRAMA'S ALWAYS ON

...at my new job, if not on CBS Daytime. Will my soaps bring blessed relief from work stress?

I am completely fascinated by GUIDING LIGHT's Rob Bogue and Mandy Bruno. I watch their scenes as Mallet and Marina together, mumbling to myself "I can't believe they're an off-screen couple" and then seeing the evidence of their relationship play out before my eyes. The scene between them today as they discussed having a family of their own someday really had an extra resonance being played out by a real couple who, according to last week's SOAP OPERA DIGEST, "...have even talked about starting a family of their own." Plus, how nice is it to see a GL couple who are not boring and/or irritating? Bill/Lizzie and Reva/Jeffrey are the only other pairings exempt from the curse of Ellen Wheeler's Cameraphone (TM).

While I was watching GL, The Unemployed Boyfriend wandered by and asked why I wasn't looking at Spinelli. Ah, that is because when I turned on GENERAL HOSPITAL, all I saw were the Zaccharahs zaccharahing at each other. By 'zaccharahing' I refer to any scene where Trevor, Claudia and Anthony are all present, snarling and threatening meaninglessly. It's enough to send anyone to Peapack for the hour!

I watched some of THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS on Soapnet tonight, and was pleased to see Michael Grazadiel back from his break. I was even more pleased to see him with his shirt off. Even the tattoo on his back is hot! Unfortunately, cold water was dumped on my fiery ardor when the endless scenes of RESTLESS STYLE staff meetings were trotted out. Ya know, I had a stressful day at work and the last thing I want to see is other people's stressful day at work when I get home. I may not work for a glossy magazine but whether it's retail or an office, work is work. I've never seen UGLY BETTY but I have an ugly feeling that someone on the Y&R writing staff said "Hey, that's a popular show and it's about a fashion mag! If we turn Y&R into a show about a fashion mag viewers and advertising revenue will be ours!" Maybe the Y&R staff should have an actual meeting about their show instead of endless meetings IN their show!

"That's soooooo our song now."

I tell ya, if AS THE WORLD TURNS had ended the final Nuke scene today with a reprise of "True Colors" there wouldn't have been a dry eye in the house. Instead, there was a huge sigh of relief that Noah did not join the army. The last three episodes of ATWT have been spectacular for Nuke fans. Thursday's Cyndi Lauper-fest was fantastic. Kudos to Van Hansis for his acting all around but especially for his emoting while Cyndi sang. I'm going to chalk that up to Van's theatre experience, where he has to be seen in character even when he has no dialogue because he's on stage. Plus we got two (!) Nuke kisses! Friday's scenes of Holden and Luke just talking were unexpected and welcome. I have also enjoyed Jack getting his freak on with Janet, who is so much more fun than Carly. And I am surprised how much I've been rooting for Paul and Meg -- I really want them to be happy! ATWT isn't perfect -- Carly/Holden continued to be a dud and what was up with that poorly realized Hugh Grant wannabe today? -- but there is so much going on that is good I easily overlook the bad. Plus, this show knows how to use the long-term cast members. Barbara, Lisa, the Hughes and the Stewarts have all been getting juicy scenes. Now if Jean Passanante and Chris Goutman can give Elizabeth Hubbard something to do I'd be over the moon!

I wish I could be as positive about ATWT's lead-in, THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL. Katie and Bridget both being in love with Nick fails to convince. Even worse, I read in this week's SOAP OPERA DIGEST that B&B is being "revamped...in the name of appealing to a younger audience..." which I guess accounts for the plethora of establishing location shots today. Hey, Bell family -- you want to appeal to a younger audience? Stop the Nick/Bridget/Katie story NOW and concentrate on the fun characters -- Stephanie, Pam, Felicia! How about pairing all three of these mature ladies with Owen, who looks like he'd be all too happy to fleece a bunch of rich Forrester women? If you're going to introduce new, younger characters, pair them with veterans to keep the show recognizable, instead of pushing all your newbies to the forefront of the show.

Which is what I fear ALL MY CHILDREN is doing. I'm still seeing drunk NuColby, Dre and Cassandra. What I'm not seeing is any reason to care for them. (Though I care slightly for Cassandra, since I don't want her parents, Jesse and Angie, to be worried about her. Remember, when Darnell Williams cries, the world cries with him.) I am concerned about another upcoming newbie, a recast and maybe SORASed Petey Cortlandt. SOD mentions that Colby will not be glad to see him. Ummmm....why? WARNING: artificial backstory alert! If this turns out to be the summer of NuColby, Dre, Frankie, Cassandra, NuPetey and Randi I might just stick to CBS the hour of 12PM - 1PM.

This summer, I don't think I'll be switching off ONE LIFE TO LIVE. The show continues to be insanely exciting. Nora denouncing Lindsay had an unexpected payoff. Lindsay seemed sympathetic, while Nora became an unlikable, vengeful harpy in the eyes of her boyfriend, ex-husband and son. What an intriguing way to wrap up this story. I am also loving the twists and turns with Starr's baby, even though The Unemployed Boyfriend found it unconvincing that Cole would go to Todd, The Face Of Evil, for help. I think it's perfectly in character for Cole, who I think of as a total dipshit for not wearing a condom in the first place!!!

I still check into DAYS OF OUR LIVES as well. James Scott can have sex with me in the elevators of my broken down apartment building anytime, and not just because he looks good with his shirt off. Unlike Neil on ATWT today, EJ is totally believable as someone raised in the UK. Notice the way he pronounces garage and, again, I will point out the scene where EJ eats fish'n'chips the authentic way with salt and vinegar. I have been to the UK 5 times and, overall, the guys there are hot metrosexuals like EJ and not poncey weeds like the stereotype on today's ATWT. So hooray for James Scott and whoever steers EJ away from cultural stereotyping!

GENERAL HOSPITAL amused the hell out of me with the elaborate shenanigans that resulted in photos of Jax and Kate being taken that look like she's giving him a hummer! How on earth is GH going to refer to this storyline in the show? Can you even say "blowjob" on daytime TV? In a more serious storyline, The Unemployed Boyfriend and I were glued to our seats waiting for Lulu to kill Logan, who deserves death for hurting Maxie. Nor have I forgotten the episode where he beat up Spinelli and referred to him as a "little bitch." No, Logan, it is karma that is a bitch and right now that bitch is biting you in the ass.
Speaking of bitches, shouldn't Livia Soprano have popped up in today's episode to snark "Poor you!" at Claudia Zaccarah? God, what a whinger.

Despite poor directing, I was amused to see Reva's (apparently low, low, low budget) movie on GUIDING LIGHT with the changed ending so Josh chooses Reva over Cassie. I chortled at the lookalike playing Cassie in the movie, too. I still feel sorry for Caitlin Van Zandt as she is forced to enact idiotic stories for her character. Caitlin, please contact HBO. They had a hit with JOHN ADAMS and a GEORGE WASHINGTON miniseries must be in the works. You will be perfect as George's epileptic stepdaughter, Patsy. I do not mean that in a pejorative way. You are a real talent and you are wasted on Ellen Wheeler's Cameraphone (TM) when you should be seen in High Definition. Get out of Peapack, Caitlin!

I'M GOING TO HELL

THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS managed to engage me at the midpoint -- and lost me by the commercial break, causing me to switch to ALL MY CHILDREN. Y&R had a short but promising scene between Kay, Amber and Jill that could have kept me watching if the scene hadn't switched to Lily's birthday party, wherein an angelic child sang a birthday song of her own composition to Lily so Y&R wouldn't have to pay the rights to the Happy Birthday To You song. ( I know about this from an episode of the late, lamented SPORTS NIGHT!) Guys, unless there's some drama going on, a birthday party for someone you don't know or care about is boring.

Not to say AMC was all that today, but at least Angie and Jesse were in it. I liked seeing Jesse bust that pimp; more of Jesse cleaning up Pine Valley, please. I am sick of Opal going on about her Tarot cards, though. The Death card actually does not mean physical death. It refers to a way of life changing or an old way of doing things ending. Therefore, Opal snarling that death is at Richie's door is just nonsense.

ONE LIFE TO LIVE and DAYS OF OUR LIVES continue to fight each other for my attention, and I had to stay with OLTL for Nash's funeral. From looking at the show only, it appears that Jessica will forgive Nash and Natalie (and we will all cry) but then you see the previews and commercials and BOOM! HERE COMES TESS WITH A VENGEANCE! This is good for longterm viewers who remember that it was Tess and Nash who were the best couple on OLTL before Tess was integrated into Jess, but troubling for new viewers (like the Unemployed Boyfriend) who see it as a melodramatic twist to a realistically painful storyline. I say jury's out for now, but part of me likes seeing Natalie get punished a bit...I still remember how awful she was to Jess when she was played by Erin Torpey and Brandon Routh was her boyfriend!

I'm going to hell for saying this, but the autistic kid story on DOOL is just not very good. It has the air of a PSA about it. I know this story is personal for the head writer, but it's a dead end for Abe, Lexie and their son Theo. Look at how AMC's autistic character, Lily, could not be paired with anyone, so they created a twin character, Ava, that was not autistic so they could hook her up with everyone and it was such a mess that both characters were written out (with Ava just vanishing since she was so unpopular.) This is autistic Theo's future: no story, no romance, nothing except preaching about autism. And DOOL's viewers don't like being preached at; SOAP OPERA WEEKLY pointed out that the week the Brady pub went green, the ratings fell. Of course autism is an important topic but I don't think an escapist soap like DOOL is the right place to explore the subject.

In fact, wouldn't a medically based show like GENERAL HOSPITAL or spinoff NIGHT SHIFT be able to tell a better story about autism? What if Carly's baby turned out to be autistic? How would this sometimes unlikable woman react? Would she be furious that one son is in a coma while another has a disability? Who would Carly want to be a father to this child -- mobster Sonny or businessman Jax? See, an autistic story on GH could actually open up a whole bunch of different stories while the autistic story on DOOL is a non-starter, formulated only because ..."we had been looking for something substantial for Abe and Lexie, anyway." (Head Writer Dena Higley, SOAP OPERA DIGEST, 7/1/08, p.10)

HARSH REALITY INTRUDES

As entertaining as ONE LIFE TO LIVE is nowadays, the scenes of Dorian firing people, complete with "You're fired" boxes and last paychecks, can't help but bother the Unemployed Household a bit. In a different way, I am saddened by the blind item in the last SOAP OPERA DIGEST which stated an actress who "hasn't caught on with fans" will be fired. I like everyone on OLTL, and today's cliffhanger made me fear that Talia or Sarah is getting a bullet in the head. I think Talia's days are numbered and Beth Ann Bonner will unfortunately become another I WANNA BE A SOAP STAR alumni who never becomes a soap star. Good thing Brody was wearing a tank top or else this blog could degenerate into unemployed misery.

GENERAL HOSPITAL was less depressing to me, because no one was getting laid off and Spinelli called Claudia "Daughter Of Darkness"! I wrote a few blogs back about how GH could just endlessly pair Spinelli with every character possible and I would be amused, and my theory was proven by the scenes with Spinelli and Claudia. I say have Claudia strike up an odd friendship with Spinelli; it would actually give her character one redeeming quality!

VOYAGE OF THE DAMNED

...is the fate of all AS THE WORLD TURNS viewers today! Despite the fun of seeing Elizabeth Hubbard and Van Hansis together, the ship-heavy Nuke story is frustrating and out of character. Why would Noah be mad that Luke came to help him??? Why doesn't anything in this story cohere with anything else??? Because the story was started by writer's strike scabs and finished by the show's permanent writers post-strike, who probably don't care about making all the pieces fit.

We had a full day of soaps today. I got up at 11:30 to watch THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS, but I wish I hadn't bothered. I am gagging to get a job nowadays, as is the Unemployed Boyfriend, so it was utterly galling to see fucking Professor Adrian Korbel walk into the offices of RESTLESS STYLE (!) and walk away with a job writing an article on the "intersection of fashion and art'"!!! Only Phyllis expressed any reservations, which were quickly shut up by Jack and Sharon. Look, I've had an academic article on Alfred Hitchcock published and you don't see me walking into LUCKY magazine looking to write an article on the intersection of shopping and cinema. Carolyn Hinsey wrote in her opinion column in SOAP OPERA DIGEST how crap and unrealistic the running of RESTLESS STYLE is. She's gonna looooooove this...

THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL was much better. Marcus' interview at Forrester had him suitably nervous, yet enthusiastic enough to get a job there. Credibly, he is starting in shipping and receiving instead of immediately being a fashion designer or perfume creator. I also liked his interaction with Steffy, whose new portrayer is immediately at ease and has already earned my respect. Now, I keep on reading in the soap press that Brandon Beemer is joining the cast as someone "connected" to Marcus. Perhaps...his boyfriend??? I can only dream and hope that B&B would actually bring on some gay characters for a show revolving around the FASHION industry!

ONE LIFE TO LIVE was astonishing. Nash's death had The Unemployed Boyfriend in tears and he doesn't even know who Nash is! Rex's one push of Adriana said volumes. And I appreciated that shot of Brody with his shirt open, offering Gigi some whiskey...I would drink that whisky, too!

I didn't see all of GENERAL HOSPITAL but I did manage to catch the opening Maxie/Spinelli stuff and their final clench. The Unemployed Boyfriend remarked that it would have been funny if the show had ended today on a scene of an obviously sexually sated Maxie and Spinelli, post-coital, still on that desk. The Unemployed One has also started referring to me as Marshmallowista. OMG!!! WE ARE MAXIE AND SPINELLI!!!