DEMONS, MOBSTERS AND HOT CRIMINALS SLEEPING WITH THEIR STEPDAUGHTERS

Watching 90210 this morning I found myself distracted by Emma Caulfield, later to join the cast of BUFFY as the demon Anya.  Her presence makes me think that at any moment the cast will be swallowed by a Hellmouth.  Now wouldn't that enliven the current 90210 reboot to no end?

I saw the end of GENERAL HOSPITAL and was pleased to see Robert Scorpio alive and well and reunited with his family.  The last 2 episodes of NIGHT SHIFT are residing in the bowels of my DVR so the last I saw Robert things were looking pretty bleak.  Another pleasing aspect of GH today was the killing of Sasha because that means we are hopefully seeing the end of the tiresome Russian Mob storyline.

We are still waaaaaay behind in our AS THE WORLD TURNS viewing.  We watched 2 episodes tonight and have got 4 more to watch this weekend!  Finally saw Jack and Janet's wedding and there was much blubbing in the house.  I was particularly impressed with the way Julie Pinson handled the scene where Janet calmly and directly tells Carly to step off, bitch.  In other areas of viewing pleasure, Julie Pinson's former PORT CHARLES squeeze, Jon Lindstrom (pictured) is a wonderfully snarky, sexy Craig.  No one can replace Scott Bryce but Jon is a more than adequate substitute.  Dare I hope the same for the upcoming triple threat of recasts of Maddie, Jade and Lucy?

GOODBYE DYLAN BRUCE

My first episode to watch in my sizable AS THE WORLD TURNS backlog was the one from the 15th, which was Dylan Bruce's last episode. He seemed so sad throughout; it made for heartbreaking viewing. What are the producers thinking? Dylan is gorgeous, charismatic and can act. He has great rapport with Bob Hastings and Kathryn Hays. He is the first Chris Hughes I have seen that works for me. Chris is an integral part of Oakdale, and a Chris/Emily/Alison/Casey/Dani plot practically writes itself. If someone has to be let go to pay for Grayson McCouch's return, I think Agim Kaba would be a better choice. Aaron has become increasingly unlikable and strident, with few storyline prospects. While I have enjoyed Agim's performance in the past, especially his scenes with Van Hansis, the current writing team is not playing to his strengths. I think Chris Goutman and Jean Passanante have made a huge mistake in getting rid of Dylan Bruce and his character of Chris Hughes.

On a lighter note, GOSSIP GIRL was positively crackling tonight, which was a relief after last week's lumpy episode. I will even forgive the completely horrendous cover of The Smiths' HOW SOON IS NOW that played, as I hope its inclusion was a sign of Agnes' evil nature. Anyone who loves that version of a classic song is clearly a minion of Satan.

I saw some of GENERAL HOSPITAL tonight. Having not watched the show for a couple of weeks, I was struck by how the tone of the show is all over the place. The scenes I saw, one after the other, were:
1) Nadine and Nicolas engage in romantic comedy banter
2) Lulu nutty in a straitjacket
3) Laura and Scott rehashing their complicated backstory in a plane
4) Luke and Tracy shooting at people in Mexico
NONE of these story threads felt connected to the other. (And I haven't even mentioned everything going on with Patrick and Robin!) GH has ceased to be about anything. Compare this to the GH spinoff, NIGHT SHIFT, which works because it is entirely concentrated in the hospital, which allows the cast and plots to be tighter. The sprawling GH currently seems to be functioning on the principle of throwing everything at a wall and seeing what sticks.

EMPLOYED BOYFRIEND!

My boyfriend Darren, formerly known as The Unemployed Boyfriend, has got a job! Say hello to the new Tech Services Coordinator at a major film studio! I am so proud of him and I am soooooo happy that we are both employed full-time in today's wretched economic climate.

To add icing on the cake AT THIS VERY MINUTE Darren is at the Shock Till You Drop film festival in San Francisco, where NIGHT OF DARK SHADOWS and HOUSE OF DARK SHADOWS will be shown. As well as being, uniquely, feature films spun off from a daytime soap opera, what is also interesting about these films are the HUGE chunks of footage cut out of them. Darren will be doing a presentation of the lost footage from NODS (which he rediscovered) as well as showing his personal print of HODS. So if you're reading this and live in San Francisco, get off your computer and get down to the Castro NOW!!!

I couldn't make it since I don't want to take any time off from my job, which I'm still new at. So, neither of us is unemployed and our soap watching had decreased dramatically -- you should see our DVR, chock-a-block with AS THE WORLD TURNS and NIGHT SHIFT! Is it time to change the name of this blog?!?

Naaah.

DUSTY! NELL! BUTT BUSTING!

AS THE WORLD TURNS has now become hugely enjoyable with the full-on return of Grayson McCouch as Dusty. He must be the coolest character in soaps -- just look at how he said "Hello gorgeous" to Lucinda. It's wonderful that his return is being explored at length, with juicy reaction scenes being given to everybody who has a history with Dusty. I loved the hell out of Elizabeth Hubbard today and it's a great surprise twist that Lucinda has been Dusty's cohort all along. My only fear is that Noah's fledgling father/son relationship with Dusty will be forgotten. The writers are doing such an excellent job with Dusty's return that I would hate for them to mess up on this.

Plus, INTURN winner Nell Mooney made her debut as Spencer today. I rank her as better than last year's winner, Ryan something who was just lousy as Evan Walsh, but not as good as last year's runner-up, Lauretta Vaughn. The face Spencer made at the sight of Brad's naked torso was very funny, so maybe Spencer will turn out to be a comedic character ala Elwood (who was played by the winner of the first INTURN competition.) I got a kick out of the reference to Katie's Butt Busting video. My boyfriend won a prop of that video at the ATWT Fan Club luncheon!

Another show that was shockingly good today was NIGHT SHIFT. Chad Allen's presence, like Grayson McCouch's in ATWT, just seems to energize everyone involved behind and in front of the camera. His scenes were Kyle were just heartbreaking. The Scorpio family reunion was very affecting, and the Epiphany subplot was compelling. It may have taken a bit of time, but NS is finally unmissable.

BILLY ABBOTT AND BREAST MILK

Having Amber's not-so-imaginary boyfriend Liam turn out to be Billy Abbott on THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS is inspired and clever. I sense that whoever on the writing staff (I'm guessing Hogan Sheffer) thought up the reveal that Chloe is Kate thought this one up too. My only qualm is that post-David Tom, I have no memory of what Billy got up to or why anyone would be mad to see him. Let the infodump commence!

I watched most of NIGHT SHIFT tonight and I can not wait for Chad Allen to show up so that Kyle can have stuff to do besides being Comedy Gay. This week we got to see a gay man deal with milking breasts! Larks! Almost as sidesplitting as when Kyle talked to senior citizens about venereal disease! Woohoo! In other NIGHT SHIFT business, I am just not feeling the Antonio Sabato Jr love. I am a child of the '80s, not the '90s, so Jagger means nada por mi. And Jason Thompson is acting Antonio off the screen! If you don't believe me, watch any scene between Patrick and Jagger and tell me, honestly -- who comes off better?

THE ONLY DOCTOR I WANT TO SEE IS DOCTOR WHO

In between rewatching the final episodes of Series 4 of DOCTOR WHO (TURN LEFT has a funny CORONATION STREET reference, by the way), I took a little break to see some of NIGHT SHIFT. I saw just enough to convince me to cancel my future DVR recording of this week's episode! Claire and someone else you don't care about were exchanging amateur dramatics, Robin and Patrick were being miserable and Jagger and Leo were being boring. I'd write more about this underwhelming GH spinoff but I have to go see Gita from EASTENDERS get killed killed by Daleks in JOURNEY'S END, the DW Series 4 finale!

HAPPY NUKE-IVERSARY!

While there was no explicit acknowledgement in the August 18, 2008 episode of AS THE WORLD TURNS that it has been one year (well, sorta -- the exact date was August 17, 2007) since Luke and Noah first kissed, I still felt a wave of anniversary goodness from the show. We got another kiss, suggestive arm rubbing and a feeling that Luke and Noah had to get dressed up to celebrate something special. All of this was just lovely, and it is a pleasure to welcome Laurence Lau to Oakdale. Finally a love interest for Lucinda!

On a less essential note, DAYS OF OUR LIVES' throwaway film noir fantasy week (designed so as not to disrupt the continuing storylines while NBC is showing the Olympics) is damn good for disposable entertainment. Everybody seems to be playing it straight and the cinematography is excellent. What could have been an embarassing homage (am I the only one who remembers Dillon's wince-inducing silent movie fantasy on GENERAL HOSPITAL?) is instead a nostalgic bonbon that pays loving tribute to classic Hollywood.

I am sad to report that NIGHT SHIFT has failed to pass the DVR test. Last week, as I was running out of room on my DVR I had to delete something in order to record ATWT. NS disappeared from the grid, and after seeing a little bit of that episode on SoapNet tonight, I don't think I missed much. Unless you count a scene of an old woman talking to a gay doctor about her vagina. I honestly wish this was must see TV that I would be DVRing like mad, but it just isn't. The episodic plots are just so daft. Take the episode where Gay Doc deduced that a woman suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome was still depressed about her dead husband because she was doing a crossword puzzle from a 2 year old newspaper. If I was Gay Doc, I would have looked at her paper, chirpily remarked "My, you sure stockpile those puzzles!" and gone on my merry way. That kind of thing makes me yearn for Season 1 of NS, where IBS lady would either be murdered by Killer Nurse Jolene or riddled with bullets as a casualty of whatever gang war was hitting the General Hospital NIGHT SHIFT that week! Am I the only one who preferred NS when it was a bit more trashy?

COCKBLOCKING IS BETTER THAN CROTCH SCRATCHING

Thursday's episode of AS THE WORLD TURNS was surprisingly credible, even though my brain will not stop saying WHY ARE NUKE NOT HAVING SEX??!! I think it helped things to have Luke and Noah actually talk about it instead of dodging the issue. Van and Jake worked hard to sell it. Hopefully when they DO have sex it'll be romantic and special, and not the trauma-induced grief sex Noah fears it will be.

On NIGHT SHIFT our new gay character Dr Kyle Julian was introduced explaining to instant BFF Dr. Claire that he hasn't scratched his crotch once all day! And she couldn't figure out from that he's gay?!? I admit that I am so hungry for gay representation on soaps that I will watch NIGHT SHIFT every week, even though Dr Kyle looks like he's going to be celibate -- see SOAP OPERA DIGEST 8/5/08 p.62 "...dealing with his nonexistent love life..." Man, I thought the sexless gay best friend was out of fashion, with the recentish end of WILL AND GRACE being the final nail in that particular coffin. Oh, and NS without Stone Cold, Spinelli and Maxie is not enough to keep the Semi-Employed Boyfriend rooted to the couch. I think he lasted 25 minutes and came back on my insistence to see Dr Kyle come out. Lesson to be learned here? Don't downplay the regulars in favor of newbies unless the newbies are damn interesting.

I much prefer GENERAL HOSPITAL's previous spin-off, PORT CHARLES. In fact watching an episode today featuring Kent Masters King as sexy werewolf Imani, I was reminded how one of the pleasures of the first season of NS was seeing a greater role for King's GH character, Lainey. The stuff with her dying dad and her unusual realtionship with psycho vet Cody really gave Kent strong material that she has never got on GH. Wouldn't NS be more fun if it took minor GH characters and fleshed them out? Doesn't every GH viewer want to see more Diane, Max or Milo? NS could also have taken GH characters like Monica and Bobbie who don't have storyline on GH and given them something to do at night -- they could do anything since they have no daytime continuity to conflict with! Instead of bringing back Robert and Jagger, why not work with what you already have?

LUCINDA LEADS THE ANTI-COCKBLOCKING BRIGADE!

Was ANYTHING as good today as AS THE WORLD TURNS? When Lucinda screamed at Emma "...you who don't allow the boys to cohabit in this silly farm!..." the Semi-Employed Boyfriend and myself pretty much fell off the couch, jaws agape. That was the highlight for me of an outstanding episode. Everyone was GREAT today. I finally feel the writers are writing to Noelle Beck's strengths. She is so hard and tough I fully believe Lily would try to kill Carly! While no one can replace Martha Byrne, Noelle Beck's Lily is shaping up to be a force to be reckoned with.

I also saw the first half of THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS before reporting to my whopping two hour work shift. It was very dull. I think Y&R need to take a page out of today's ATWT and realize that nothing is more entertaining than two grande dames yelling at each other and given full reign. Let's have more Jill and Kay and less Adam and Heather!

I DVRed NIGHT SHIFT but couldn't be bothered to watch it because I honestly didn't think any other soap could measure up to the fabulous theatricality of ATWT today. In NIGHT SHIFT's favor, I'm looking forward to possible gay doc, Billy Dee Williams, and Sonya Eddy. In NS' debit column is the fact that only Patrick, Robin, and Epiphany are spinning off from GH (No Spinelli? Maxie?? Stone Cold???), the stand alone episodes (how will it distinguish itself from real hospital dramas like GREY'S ANATOMY?) and the heavy focus on Jagger, a character I have no knowledge of. Time will tell, I suppose.

THE GH SPINOFF THAT WASN'T NIGHT SHIFT

I watched two episodes of PORT CHARLES tonight that I DVRed off of SoapNet. I revisit this show from time to time, out of nostalgia for the astonishing TAINTED LOVE arc. It might have been the best daytime drama I'd EVER seen -- vampire Caleb (brilliantly played by the sexy Michael Easton) ran amok in Port Charles, causing more havoc than Barnabas Collins did in four years of DARK SHADOWS. Unfortunately, PC's telenovela style arcs meant that Caleb was gone in 13 weeks, and I stopped watching. The supernatural (and Caleb!) later returned to the show with a vengeance, but I could never get back into it for some reason. I love watching the SoapNet reruns for a hint of how nuts the show became -- werewolves, vampires, angels and a load of familiar faces who would go onto other soaps but never anything as adventurous as this. Unlike PASSIONS, PC played the supernatural seriously, like Anne Rice characters in a Stephen King setting, but that wasn't enough to save the show from ultimately being cancelled (ending on a wild cliffhanger!) Despite being a GENERAL HOSPITAL spinoff, no characters from PC ever made their way back to their origin show except Scotty Baldwin, who I think never interacted with any of the horror elements anyway. I think NIGHT SHIFT could take a page or two from its' wilder predecessor -- after all, what better place for a vampire than a night shift at a blood -filled hospital? ( And fans of the surprisingly defunct MOONLIGHT need a new place for romantic vampire shenanigans! Come on SoapNet! Grow a brain and grab that demographic!)

"You can call me Daddy, Blair."

The heat today in Los Angeles is pretty friggin' unbearable and when you combine that with a night of insomnia you've got one zonked Unemployed Soap Viewer who is not able to focus on ANYTHING. So is it any wonder I flipped between soaps today, unable to commit to anything except a DVRed AS THE WORLD TURNS that I will watch later when the sun goes down?

All I can say about THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS is that if I were Victoria, and my Dad was marrying my best friend, I wouldn't come to the wedding either! I know Vicki will eventually show up, but I wish she wouldn't.

ALL MY CHILDREN continues to bore when Jesse and Angie ain't around. I'm glad Billy is leaving and that Aiden hit him. I like Thorsten Kaye. I find it hard to care about Kendall or Greenlee lately. I am not warming up to Colby's recast, nor to Babe's recast, who will always be The Killer Night Shift Nurse to me. (Am I the only one who remembers Spinelli lost his virginity to Jolene on NS? You think he'd feel a bit more confident with the laydeez.)

THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL continues to confuse. Hooray to Robin Riker as Beth; I've liked her since her role in ALLIGATOR! However, what's up with the invented backstory that Beth helped Donna through her teenage pregnancy? I remember Donna when she was played by Carrie Mitchum and all she did was go back and forth between Mark and Rocco. Donna was NOT pregnant, ever! And Jack Wagner doesn't seem right with anyone but Brooke. These attempts to forge a Nick/Bridget/Katie love triangle just aren't working. I previusly wrote that B&B needs some gay characters, because it takes place in LA's fashion industry. I take it back. What this show needs is more straight male characters so everyone stops mooning over Nick, Ridge or Eric!

One show that is really working it is ONE LIFE TO LIVE. David's marriage to Addie was a genuine surprise. And it affects EVERYONE on the show: Dorian, Blair and the entire Buchanan clan who will shit themselves if the Buchanan heir is married to Dorian's sister! Plus, Addie is going into this with open eyes. I love comic relief characters who gain depth.

DAYS OF OUR LIVES seemed to have good bits, but the meaning of today's action was obscure to me. Why is Max so mad? Who is Nicole afraid of? Who's going to kill Morgan's dad? Why am I watching this when ONE LIFE TO LIVE is so much livelier? Still, Roscoe Born is great casting as Max's abusive father and I continue to dig John Black.

GUIDING LIGHT is not as good a show as GENERAL HOSPITAL, but GL hypnotized me with the theme song, which I unironically sang along to. And Spinelli wasn't featured on today's GH, so I thougth I'd check out Springfield. Wow -- how many scenes can we have of people eating cake? And why is Natalia still on the show? She has no son, huisband, love interest, (well, Frank, sorta) and only one frenemy. Does Ellen Wheeler realize that her show last peaked in January of 2007 and that since then everything has referred back to the Jonathan/Tammy story without ever moving forward? At least we have Reva, Buzz and Jeffrey. I wish they would all move to Oakdale so the LIGHT could be put out. (And they can bring Alan, Ashlee and Vanessa with them.)

Didn't watch much of GH. I like Maxie at work. I love Diane and Alexis together, talking about bad boys. I hate Carly and how she makes everything about her. She should be grateful for the publicity of Kate staging a fashion shoot in her hotel, not accusing Kate of trying to steal Jax! Priorities, woman!

So what have I learned from watching all soaps other than ATWT today? OLTL rocks, GH can irritate occasionally but mostly engages, all other soaps are intermittently entertaining except for GL which needs to go away. Where will today's ATWT rank in my personal pantheon?

WHO'S KATY PERRY?

I felt like Chris Rock at the Oscars talking about Jude Law when I switched on THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS today. Who is Katy Perry and why has she taken over the show? I have never heard of her but from the way Amber and Jana were acting it made it seem like every youth in America was texting each other about Katy Perry while simultaneously looking up her Twitter page and downloading her song from iTunes to their Crackberrys.

Whatev. I've got some Angie and Jesse to watch, which is vastly more compelling. Debbi Morgan and Darnell Williams really sold the scenes of Angie pleading with Jesse not to go back to work on the police force even though we know Jesse has to become a police chief or else there's NO STORY. Still, ALL MY CHILDREN is to be commended for showing Angie's distress.

THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL is not to be commended, because that shot of Jack Wagner in extreme close-up backed by a heavenly light was WAY too much! I understand that Katie was dying and thought this was the afterlife(!) but REALLY! As with the fake flashback to Katie's Dogfight Acne Prom, I get the feeling the B&B team are pissing themselves off-camera. Stop this, guys -- this is how PASSIONS ended up being nothing but a collection of piss-takes and got CANCELLED. I will say I did like the business meeting scene because it is fun to see the Forrester family all together, working hard to bring down Donna. I was flipping back and forth between this and AMC, so I might have missed something, but shouldn't Pam have been in that scene, snarking away as she served coffee?

Just when I thought ONE LIFE TO LIVE couldn't get any better, it DID! Tina's return is fab -- Andrea Evans is sinking her teeth into this in a way her last role as Rebecca in PASSIONS didn't allow her to. Plus, I loved her way adorable dog, amusingly named DavidVickers! Susan Haskell's return as Marty was also welcome; Susan would have been my pick to replace Martha Byrne as Lily in ATWT but I'd rather see her return as Marty. And if all this wasn't exciting enough, thugs burst into Ramsey's apartment and killed him! (And his doorman! Poor Francisco!) Well, if Susan Haskell isn't replacing Martha Byrne on ATWT, what do you want to bet Hunt Block will reprise his recast role as Craig Montgomery on ATWT? I love the hell out of Scott Bryce, but if they're going to bring back Craig as someone else, Hunt Block is the only choice.

Speaking of good actors, let's have a moment to praise Bradford Anderson. I am a huge Spinelli fan but the character would not work as well if played by a lesser actor. Notice the end of today's GENERAL HOSPITAL, when Spinelli is dressed to impress and going by his first name of Damian (along with hilariously dodgy Jax-esque accent.) Giselle just swooned, and so did I! Or cast your mind back to the end of NIGHT SHIFT's first season, when Spinelli expressed a genuine sense of shock that Jolene threw herself in front of a bullet meant for him. Bradford Anderson should really have the Emmy nomination that Y&R's Bryton McClure inexplicably acquired. Let's hope for a fairer Emmy ballot in 2009.

LISTEN TO ME, SOAPNET!

On THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL, Brooke and Nick hovered over the dying Katie like concerned parents..which once again underscored the fact that Nick is old enough to be Katie's dad, and then some. Is this B&B's idea of celebrating Father's Day?

ONE LIFE TO LIVE packed A LOT into today's episode. Adriana left! Marty AND Tina came back! Kevin Spirtas joined the cast! And Brody wore nothing but black track pants. Yet, all these events did not overpower a show in which every single scene and character were of interest to me today. I wish every show was as balanced.

GENERAL HOSPITAL is another show that commanded my complete attention. How punch-the-air great was that scene where Spinelli was defended by Stone Cold, Max and Milo, guns drawn, accompanied by Diane, the one woman I know who gives lawyers a good name? And Spinelli got an apology from his racist attacker, for him and Leyla, and took money from the jerk to donate to the Red Cross! This would never happen in real life, which is why I enjoyed it so much. Screw NIGHT SHIFT; I want a GH spinoff focusing entirely on this crew. Seriously, who wouldn't want to see more of these characters? You've got comedy, action and sex appeal. Add Maxie so you have a hot chick and this spin-off would be unbeatable!

EVERYONE IS UNEMPLOYED

Don't worry, Van Hansis still has a job. My unemployed ass just needed a random photo of Van to cheer myself up!

First The Adorable Cat (well, he never had a job in the first place), then me, and now The Employed Boyfriend is The Unemployed Boyfriend. So our house is now a hot mess of Unemployed Soap Viewers! The only soap he really watches with me is AS THE WORLD TURNS, but he'll pop in and comment on whatever I'm watching. The Unemployed Boyfriend seemed impressed with the Catalina Island set of THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL and queried why does ATWT look so cheap? I guess he's forgotten that ATWT looks like a Cecil B DeMille production compared to the The Ellen Wheeler Cameraphone (TM) show that is GUIDING LIGHT.

ONE LIFE TO LIVE was -- well, if it was a book I'd say it was unputdownable. When The Unemployed Boyfriend saw Dorian being strangled by Clint he knew I was in for the whole show. Nash's fall throught he skylight was shocking and probably heart attack inducing in those who didn't see it coming. And full marks to titling the episode THROUGH A GLASS, DARKLY. Funny and rather wonderful to come across a random Ingmar Bergman reference. I also loved David trying to talk ghetto with Sean.

Sean: Dorian, you're a doctor, right, like a MD?

David : She's not Dr.Dre, yo.

GENERAL HOSPITAL was not as gripping, but still inspired enough to keep me from Ellen Wheeler's Cameraphone on the other channel. The scenes with Spinelli and Maxie were faaaaaaabulous. I liked seeing some lesbians in Port Charles, too, which bodes well for the rumoured gay doctor in the second season of NIGHT SHIFT. The Unemployed Boyfriend is a bit out of touch when it comes to GH; he saw Kate and was all like "Oh she's back?" since he hasn't seen the show since she went to Manhattan. In fact, the last time he did any attentive viewing of GH was during the Text Message Killer story, which had him yelling "TEXT MESSAGE!" at the screen.

I loved the cliffhanger because I had to evaluate what I thought of these three loathsome women -- Lulu, Carly and Claudia all facing off. My gut reaction? Time for Carly to give you a smackdown, Claudia. And how dare you threaten Lulu!

ATWT was DVRed so I could watch other shows. I'm not in a hurry to watch it because I know yesterday's cliffhanger will not be resolved today. I really hope this story gets a proper resolution, and doesn't get forgoten about like the Ji Min murder story of THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS.