"That's soooooo our song now."

I tell ya, if AS THE WORLD TURNS had ended the final Nuke scene today with a reprise of "True Colors" there wouldn't have been a dry eye in the house. Instead, there was a huge sigh of relief that Noah did not join the army. The last three episodes of ATWT have been spectacular for Nuke fans. Thursday's Cyndi Lauper-fest was fantastic. Kudos to Van Hansis for his acting all around but especially for his emoting while Cyndi sang. I'm going to chalk that up to Van's theatre experience, where he has to be seen in character even when he has no dialogue because he's on stage. Plus we got two (!) Nuke kisses! Friday's scenes of Holden and Luke just talking were unexpected and welcome. I have also enjoyed Jack getting his freak on with Janet, who is so much more fun than Carly. And I am surprised how much I've been rooting for Paul and Meg -- I really want them to be happy! ATWT isn't perfect -- Carly/Holden continued to be a dud and what was up with that poorly realized Hugh Grant wannabe today? -- but there is so much going on that is good I easily overlook the bad. Plus, this show knows how to use the long-term cast members. Barbara, Lisa, the Hughes and the Stewarts have all been getting juicy scenes. Now if Jean Passanante and Chris Goutman can give Elizabeth Hubbard something to do I'd be over the moon!

I wish I could be as positive about ATWT's lead-in, THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL. Katie and Bridget both being in love with Nick fails to convince. Even worse, I read in this week's SOAP OPERA DIGEST that B&B is being "revamped...in the name of appealing to a younger audience..." which I guess accounts for the plethora of establishing location shots today. Hey, Bell family -- you want to appeal to a younger audience? Stop the Nick/Bridget/Katie story NOW and concentrate on the fun characters -- Stephanie, Pam, Felicia! How about pairing all three of these mature ladies with Owen, who looks like he'd be all too happy to fleece a bunch of rich Forrester women? If you're going to introduce new, younger characters, pair them with veterans to keep the show recognizable, instead of pushing all your newbies to the forefront of the show.

Which is what I fear ALL MY CHILDREN is doing. I'm still seeing drunk NuColby, Dre and Cassandra. What I'm not seeing is any reason to care for them. (Though I care slightly for Cassandra, since I don't want her parents, Jesse and Angie, to be worried about her. Remember, when Darnell Williams cries, the world cries with him.) I am concerned about another upcoming newbie, a recast and maybe SORASed Petey Cortlandt. SOD mentions that Colby will not be glad to see him. Ummmm....why? WARNING: artificial backstory alert! If this turns out to be the summer of NuColby, Dre, Frankie, Cassandra, NuPetey and Randi I might just stick to CBS the hour of 12PM - 1PM.

This summer, I don't think I'll be switching off ONE LIFE TO LIVE. The show continues to be insanely exciting. Nora denouncing Lindsay had an unexpected payoff. Lindsay seemed sympathetic, while Nora became an unlikable, vengeful harpy in the eyes of her boyfriend, ex-husband and son. What an intriguing way to wrap up this story. I am also loving the twists and turns with Starr's baby, even though The Unemployed Boyfriend found it unconvincing that Cole would go to Todd, The Face Of Evil, for help. I think it's perfectly in character for Cole, who I think of as a total dipshit for not wearing a condom in the first place!!!

I still check into DAYS OF OUR LIVES as well. James Scott can have sex with me in the elevators of my broken down apartment building anytime, and not just because he looks good with his shirt off. Unlike Neil on ATWT today, EJ is totally believable as someone raised in the UK. Notice the way he pronounces garage and, again, I will point out the scene where EJ eats fish'n'chips the authentic way with salt and vinegar. I have been to the UK 5 times and, overall, the guys there are hot metrosexuals like EJ and not poncey weeds like the stereotype on today's ATWT. So hooray for James Scott and whoever steers EJ away from cultural stereotyping!

GENERAL HOSPITAL amused the hell out of me with the elaborate shenanigans that resulted in photos of Jax and Kate being taken that look like she's giving him a hummer! How on earth is GH going to refer to this storyline in the show? Can you even say "blowjob" on daytime TV? In a more serious storyline, The Unemployed Boyfriend and I were glued to our seats waiting for Lulu to kill Logan, who deserves death for hurting Maxie. Nor have I forgotten the episode where he beat up Spinelli and referred to him as a "little bitch." No, Logan, it is karma that is a bitch and right now that bitch is biting you in the ass.
Speaking of bitches, shouldn't Livia Soprano have popped up in today's episode to snark "Poor you!" at Claudia Zaccarah? God, what a whinger.

Despite poor directing, I was amused to see Reva's (apparently low, low, low budget) movie on GUIDING LIGHT with the changed ending so Josh chooses Reva over Cassie. I chortled at the lookalike playing Cassie in the movie, too. I still feel sorry for Caitlin Van Zandt as she is forced to enact idiotic stories for her character. Caitlin, please contact HBO. They had a hit with JOHN ADAMS and a GEORGE WASHINGTON miniseries must be in the works. You will be perfect as George's epileptic stepdaughter, Patsy. I do not mean that in a pejorative way. You are a real talent and you are wasted on Ellen Wheeler's Cameraphone (TM) when you should be seen in High Definition. Get out of Peapack, Caitlin!

ALL MY CHILDREN, ALL DAY LONG

Oddly, my day was structured so I wound up seeing the first half of AMC before going to work and the second half was on Soapnet when I came back from work. This had the odd effect of making it seem like my shift was some kind of hallucination taking place between commercials; a bad trip that lasted 8 hours. How does AMC hold up to such fragmentation? Well, Carmen's interplay with Adam was fun and Jesse is the man, even in a story as shrugworthy as Richie/Annie. (With Annie killing Richie, that's one down and hopefully one more to go...) On the negative side, the scenes with Cassie and Dre dealing with a drunken NuColby were awful, like scenes put on by your talentless classmates in undergrad drama class. I think Cassie is a bit better than the other newbies. If the writers are smart they'd give her more to do with momma Angie since Debbi Morgan always brings the best out in her fellow performers.

I saw the first segment of THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL as well and Brandon Beemer is back in the soap world, gorgeous as ever. Plus he already has his face and name in the opening credits -- way to go, Brandon, or more likely, Brandon's agent! Despite my initial hopes I am not getting a gay vibe from Brandon's character Owen, more like a skeezy (but hot) straight guy vibe. Still, that's good because it means women in THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL will now have someone to lust after who isn't a) vaguely related to them or b) Jack Wagner.

Saw the merest fragment of the opening to ONE LIFE TO LIVE, but I saw just enough to get excited at the prospect of McBain and Blair as a couple. Hmmmm...are we in for a couple switcheroo with John/Blair/Todd/Marty all switching partners? To go off on a tangent, I have to say again how perfect Susan Haskell would have been as Martha Byrne's replacement as Lily on AS THE WORLD TURNS. Watching Noelle Beck as Lily, you never believe this woman to be vulnerable. She looks hard as nails; if she can't get Holden, you bet she wouldn't give a fig! Susan Haskell is wonderfully fragile but still possessed of an approachability that I don't feel with Noelle Beck. Time to put on my Pollyanna cap now: if Susan was able to be lured back to OLTL after her character was poorly recast, surely the same can apply to Martha Byrne.

NO NUKE FOR ME

This picture of Van Hansis is the closest I'm gonna get to seeing Luke Snyder since I am now semi-employed and it sure is wrecking havoc with my soap viewing! 4 episodes of ATWT languish in my DVR. Beth Ehlers' last GUIDING LIGHT is also there, unwatched and unloved. I did manage to see the last bit of DAYS OF OUR LIVES today. While I am happy to see Chelsea's hair back to its normal fierce cut, her romance with the older Dr. Daniel is icky. I dig Dr.Daniel, but just not with Chelsea...plus, I think the writers have underestimated the viewers, who prefer Chelsea with Nick.

There were many charming Maxie/Spinelli scenes on GENERAL HOSPITAL today. I appreciated Maxie bringing Spinelli flowers, since I now work in a flower shop. It was like GH was acknowledging my new job! I enjoyed the notion of Leyla as Spinelli's new confidante. It would be fun to see her actually date him, as a way to give Spinelli the confidence to really go after Maxie.

I do find myself switching the channel over to GL, however, whenever Claudia or another Zaccharah besides Johnny makes an appearance. I just feel the fun being sucked out of the screen. While Sarah Brown is a good actress, Claudia doesn't work with any character -- except Spinelli, who disarms her creepiness with goofiness. I think the plan for Claudia was to pair her up with Sonny and when that didn't really take off (despite shoe fetish sex) the writers were at a loss as to what to do with her. Therefore, this sudden one-sided relationship with Stone Cold. I don't think there's room for another scheming woman in Port Charles; we already have Carly, Sam and Maxie. I dunno -- maybe Claudia can start a fashion mag for mob women called CEMENT SHOES.

So I switched over to GL to escape the Zaccarah woman and found myself watching the ridiculous scene where Lizzie slipped into Bill and Ava's wedding while crouching down behind other people entering, even though she was in full sight of the security guard. I am also annoyed at how GL continually refers to Jonathan and baby Sarah; all that does is remind me of how good the show used to be. Ellen Wheeler is probably hoping if she mentions Jonathan enough, Tom Pelphrey will come back. Don't hold your breath, Cameraphone (TM) girl!

HAS SOAP OPERA WEEKLY BEEN READING THIS BLOG?

I noticed in SOAP OPERA WEEKLY's current issue, under "Crazy Rumors Of The Week", it says that Marcus and Owen will be THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL's first gay characters. This is something I wrote about in my post on June 5, VOYAGE OF THE DAMNED. Maybe my other theories will hit the press as well and we'll get some behind-the-scenes shots of Ellen Wheeler holding a Cameraphone (TM) as she terrorizes the cast of GUIDING LIGHT!

I'm still enjoying the PORT CHARLES reruns on Soapnet, but damn -- 2 episodes a week of what was a daily soap are a slow trickle, indeed. ( A similar situation affects those watching EASTENDERS on American PBS, which shows 2 episodes a week of a 4 times a week show. Naturally, PBS can never catch up to current episodes, resulting in 5 year old EASTENDERS storylines slooooowly being played out.) Come on, Soapnet, run at least 5 episodes of PORT CHARLES a week and publicize it a little with commercials focusing on stars Thorsten Kaye and Michael Easton, who are the current leading men of ALL MY CHILDREN and ONE LIFE TO LIVE. It would be a shame to let this unique supernatural soap opera just fade away.

Trying to stay on top of AS THE WORLD TURNS, but only managed to choke down Thursday's DVRed episode tonight. The scenes at summer camp were TORTURE. Why is Sage singing "Good Morning Baltimore" from HAIRSPRAY when the zaftig Faith would be a more suitable choice? What was that song Faith and Natalie sang to each other and am I the only one who finds pubescent sisters singing a love song to each other gross? Why is the Jack and Carly pairing dead in the water? AAAAAARGHHHH
The episode was partly redeemed by an excellent scene where Janet and Jack talked to each other honestly like grown adults, but when I saw the coming attractions for Friday AGAIN highlighting only Holden/Carly and Brad/Janet/Jack/Liberty/Parker, I felt like deleting that show from my DVR. Where is Lucinda to sort everyone out? Why isn't Luke having heart-to-hearts with his parents or aunt at this awful time in his life? I stand by my suspicion that nobody in the ATWT writers' room is talking to anyone else.

EMPLOYED!

I start training for my new job as a florist on Monday! I guess all that WEEDS watching paid off...well, what does this mean for this blog? I won't change the title because there is still The Unemployed Boyfriend and I did get majorly into soaps while unemployed. My work schedule will be fluctuating, so I will catch soaps when I can and will always DVR AS THE WORLD TURNS!

Before I got called for an interview, I was watching ONE LIFE TO LIVE. Now I can't remember a single thing that happenned! As I was eating a late breakfast, I flipped between GENERAL HOSPITAL and GUIDING LIGHT. I am befuddled as to why GH introduced the Carly pregnancy story, only to drop it next week when Carly learns she isn't pregnant after all. What's the point of that?

Still, nothing on soaps is as pointless as GL. I don't care about G, even if they call him Grady. I hate Daisy -- what an insensitive little cow! This man killed her cousin and she's gaga for him to the point of running away? The only way to redeem this story is to kill G and make it a murder mystery. The only enjoyment I get out of GL is watching barely rehearsed actors squinting and trying to say their lines in blazing East Coast sunshine! Doesn't Ellen Wheeler know how miserable a New Jersey summer is? Hot, humid and hazy! Get ready for a summer of sweaty, miserable Spauldings, Lewises and Coopers!

DON'T FIRE NOAH!

Due to insomnia, zonkiness from the Los Angeles heatwave and watching too much WEEDS, I am a bit behind in my ATWT viewing. Late last night The Unemployed Boyfriend and I watched Tuesday's and Wednesday's episodes, and were startled by how bad the show can be one day (Tuesday's Holden/Carly/Lily snorefest mixed with crazy chick Sofie overload) and so damn good the other day (Wednesday's Nuke and Alison/Chris courtroom drama.) My gut instinct? ATWT has a writer's room that is not talking to each other. Time to go on a company retreat and learn some team-building skills, people!
One dead-on detail in Wednesday's episode earned my kudos. Noah is leaving work at Java to go to the police station and gets SNARKED AT BY HIS SUPERVISOR. Sadly, this is an all too true reflection of retail life. Shit will be going down, people can die, and your supervisor will STILL say you're leaving them in a bind. I wonder who wrote this one and where did they work during college?

I was intrigued by DAYS OF OUR LIVES today since John now has that memory disk in his possession. I really hope that while his memories get restored, his personality does not, because Drake Hogestyn is much more exciting as this incarnation of John than as the monotonous, goody-goody prior personality. I am also curious about what went down, exactly, between Nicole and Trent. Nice to see Arianne Zuker do more than comedy,too.

ONE LIFE TO LIVE scored with Nash's funeral today; I liked how Jess dragged Natalie and Jared over to the coffin to get a look at Nash's broken, torn body that they couldn't have an open casket funeral for. The ending Nash montage was well done, too. There was also some prime comic relief as Tina's dog bit Kevin Spirtas' hand and scampered away after being threatened at gunpoint! Run DavidVickers run!

GENERAL HOSPITAL has got to do something with the Zaccharas, because every time they appear the fun gets sucked out of the screen. Really, is there any reason why Anthony or Claudia Zacchara is still alive, let alone their lawyer Trevor? Especially after Anthony threatened Alexis' daughter today -- there is no way a potential child-killer can be a "fun" villain that we want to watch. GH should cut their losses with this family and have them blown up by Jerry Jax. Think of how grateful Alexis would be to Jerry for getting rid of the threat to her family -- then she would have a readymade defense for sleeping with a known terrorist!

I'M GOING TO HELL

THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS managed to engage me at the midpoint -- and lost me by the commercial break, causing me to switch to ALL MY CHILDREN. Y&R had a short but promising scene between Kay, Amber and Jill that could have kept me watching if the scene hadn't switched to Lily's birthday party, wherein an angelic child sang a birthday song of her own composition to Lily so Y&R wouldn't have to pay the rights to the Happy Birthday To You song. ( I know about this from an episode of the late, lamented SPORTS NIGHT!) Guys, unless there's some drama going on, a birthday party for someone you don't know or care about is boring.

Not to say AMC was all that today, but at least Angie and Jesse were in it. I liked seeing Jesse bust that pimp; more of Jesse cleaning up Pine Valley, please. I am sick of Opal going on about her Tarot cards, though. The Death card actually does not mean physical death. It refers to a way of life changing or an old way of doing things ending. Therefore, Opal snarling that death is at Richie's door is just nonsense.

ONE LIFE TO LIVE and DAYS OF OUR LIVES continue to fight each other for my attention, and I had to stay with OLTL for Nash's funeral. From looking at the show only, it appears that Jessica will forgive Nash and Natalie (and we will all cry) but then you see the previews and commercials and BOOM! HERE COMES TESS WITH A VENGEANCE! This is good for longterm viewers who remember that it was Tess and Nash who were the best couple on OLTL before Tess was integrated into Jess, but troubling for new viewers (like the Unemployed Boyfriend) who see it as a melodramatic twist to a realistically painful storyline. I say jury's out for now, but part of me likes seeing Natalie get punished a bit...I still remember how awful she was to Jess when she was played by Erin Torpey and Brandon Routh was her boyfriend!

I'm going to hell for saying this, but the autistic kid story on DOOL is just not very good. It has the air of a PSA about it. I know this story is personal for the head writer, but it's a dead end for Abe, Lexie and their son Theo. Look at how AMC's autistic character, Lily, could not be paired with anyone, so they created a twin character, Ava, that was not autistic so they could hook her up with everyone and it was such a mess that both characters were written out (with Ava just vanishing since she was so unpopular.) This is autistic Theo's future: no story, no romance, nothing except preaching about autism. And DOOL's viewers don't like being preached at; SOAP OPERA WEEKLY pointed out that the week the Brady pub went green, the ratings fell. Of course autism is an important topic but I don't think an escapist soap like DOOL is the right place to explore the subject.

In fact, wouldn't a medically based show like GENERAL HOSPITAL or spinoff NIGHT SHIFT be able to tell a better story about autism? What if Carly's baby turned out to be autistic? How would this sometimes unlikable woman react? Would she be furious that one son is in a coma while another has a disability? Who would Carly want to be a father to this child -- mobster Sonny or businessman Jax? See, an autistic story on GH could actually open up a whole bunch of different stories while the autistic story on DOOL is a non-starter, formulated only because ..."we had been looking for something substantial for Abe and Lexie, anyway." (Head Writer Dena Higley, SOAP OPERA DIGEST, 7/1/08, p.10)